ITTY BITTY TITTY COMMITTEE

BACK TO BEING THE QUEEN BEE OF THE ITTY BITTY TITTY COMMITTEE

It is funny to look back on the history and timeline of my breasts (boobs, tits, whichever word you prefer).  You see I was LITERALLY the last person to develop amongst all my friends/peers and all I ever wanted was to have boobs. I remember praying to god from the time I was 12 to about 16 to start blossoming; all my friends from school and camp started getting their period, underarm/leg hair, and had to wear bras to contain their tata’s.  I’ll never forget going to a doctor appointment and asking when it would be my time; my doctor said it would be awhile and that I was not even close to entering puberty (WTF; can’t I just fit in with everyone else?).  I was SO skinny, emaciated, a total late bloomer, and had to drink Ensure to remotely catch up to my friends.  I fake shaved my armpits to just fit in with the girls on my kickline team (praying that if I fake shaved it, it would just grow in.  Side note, THAT DOES NOT WORK). 

I never had to wear a bra until I was 16.  You could put a piece of ice down my chest, and it would fall immediately down.  I was part of the “itty bitty titty committee” and hated every second of it.  I waited SO long for them to come in and was so excited when they arrived.  As my dad always said, Patience is a Virtue.  Well I was fuckin patient, and Freshmen year at Boston University (go Terriers!) is really when I grew into myself.  I remember returning home to Valley Stream after December break and I was like a science experiment.  I finally had a small B, was taller, and my body was an A+.  A few people asked if I got implants at college- HA!  I guess the unlimited meal card & binge drinking really set my body into go mode. 

I have been cracking up over the last few days with my best college girlfriends, Elana and Sam; we have a long standing joke that my nipples always made an appearance during our nights out (in school and post school). I always thought it was my righty, but they both confirmed it was lefty that made a show.  Sam joked that it was our third roommate and the night wasn’t complete unless it popped out of my halter or tube top.  Righty was a jealous biatch and I guess needed attention finally; well righty you got all the attention now and it is your time for the red carpet, let’s get this CANCER SHIAT OUT of there. 

On 7/27 (day of the surgery), my rockstar of a husband drove me into NYC at 4am for a 5:15 check in. We listened to my positive vibes playlist and sang the whole ride in (a little Kanye West, Natasha Bedingfield, Coldplay, Hootie, Rolling Stones, Britney Spears).  I was READY GO TO and was excited to get this surgery done.  My parents came into the city and sat with Marc and I during the prep process.  I had the same nurse who did my fallopian tube prep; what are the ODDS. She remembered me, my voice (so distinct it kills me), and my positive attitude which felt so nice to hear.

After 4 hours in surgery, I arrive to the recovery room and am SO out of it.  You feel like you have been roofied after a college party (thanks frat houses for all those memories or lack of memories).  I remember asking immediately if my sensonal nodes came back positive or negative, and they said they were PERFECT and no need for additional biopsy (WIN WIN WIN WIN WIN- insert victory dance; I picture the Steve Urkel one). After being in and out of sleep, I finally wake up out of the fog.  I am so happy to see Markeeeeee, my parents, Mals, and my dear friend TATA (ironic!).  We laughed, caught up, and I could burst from how much love, how many texts (111 alone out of surgery),  the comments I had on my blog, the outreach from people I have not spoken to in years, and the support of others who went through a similar situation and stepped forward.  I AM TRULY SO LUCKY!!!!!

The team at MSKCC is by far the BEST; to my nurses Colleen and Will, THANK YOU.  You so got me, my attitude and positivity towards this, and were able to manage my full suite of visitors.  Sorry Will for being skeptical, but a male nurse who would be staring at my breasts and changing my bed pan (yes, I had to pee in a bed pan like a 90 year old), just seemed odd.  BUT YOU FAR SURPASSED my expectations and had the exact vibe I needed at that moment.

It was all too good to be true, and I guess I needed some sort of drama to add to my story (they must know I’m writing a blog). Around 8pm, I start noticing that my left breast (non Cancer boob) looks like a giant balloon; I thought well that was quick (and kind of a Kim Kardashian moment) but something is off.  Sure enough, I get the whole MSKCC squad into my room to examine, and after a lot of monitoring, draining my tubes, it was decided I had a hematoma.  Hematomas have a 1 in 100 chance; COME ON!!!!!!!!!!  Life only hands you what you can handle (my motto). That damn non cancer boob was a jealous a**hole and needed some attention; seriously WTF.  I was transferred from one Sloan hospital to another in a stretcher and an AMBULANCE (beyond comical; pics below); the sirens on the ambulance went for the full 4 blocks to just make it more ridiculous and I immediately underwent my second surgery of the day (as my dad says 1.25 total).

My whole childhood my sister and I had sleepovers like every night; we would rotate rooms and sleep on each others floors.  We did this from as young as I can remember until I went to college; what we share is unique and it is a sense of dependence, comfort, and true sisterhood.  That night when I transferred hospitals, all I wanted was my sister.  I kept asking for her after the second operation, and needed her to fall asleep in my now second room/suite at Sloan.  That was the last thing I remember before passing out for the night! I can only hope that P& R share this type of bond!

7/28:  Ativan is my BFFAE; this muscle relaxer is equivalent to my favorite glass of rose/red wine and is making the pain somewhat manageable.  I am released from Sloan after learning my PT exercises and go home with my mom and dad who are officially my caretakers/bosses for the next week.  It was nice to be released and feels strange and cool to be back at my childhood house and bedroom to recover.  Marc , Riley, and Pierce came over at night, and while I was so nervous to see them, they are like animals and truly sensed that I was not myself.  Riley asked a lot of questions and you can tell was scared to give me a hug/kiss which broke my heart.  I know that she gets it and understands it is different for a little, but she truly was nervous to hurt me and as a mama bear, there is nothing worse.  I pass out for the night, tossed and turned, watched Gossip Girl, popped some more pills, tossed/turned, and finally got a few hours of sleep.

7/29: I woke up feeling confident, optimistic, and ready to take on the day.  I felt inspired to start writing again and to spend time with Marc, the kids, Adam, and Mals.  The kids this time were so excited to see me and gave me a big hug (as big as they could) and made me laugh (I needed it).  Riley did her 1000th dance to Party in the USA, and I was able to shake my hips and sing along with her.  Everyone left but my Mallory, and we decided to go for a LONG walk around our childhood neighborhood.  It felt nice to be NORMAL (despite these drains hanging from me like an orangutan) and to just walk and walk and walk and celebrate that I can walk this early on (not bad after a day of surgery).  Thank you Mals for being attached to my side; you just know what to say, what not to say, and are the human medicine I need.

This week will be a good one; each day I am feeling stronger, seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, making plans to see friends (Sam, can’t wait to meet Alex!!!), to get my hair washed (girl can use it REAL BAD), get my first mani (don’t worry no cuticles being cut), going to see the kids each day after camp, getting one set of drains removed Thursday (big victory), and trying to maintain a normal balanced life while recovering from this massive 2 part surgery.

The road is not easy BUT I GOT THIS!!  Love to all my friends who keep sending me the sweetest messages, flowers, and gifts. Keep sending me the positive vibes songs and your favorite movies/TV shows.  Can’t thank you all for the insane amount of outreach and for the offers on how to help—I promise I will take each and every one of you up on it.

I’ll be back at the end of the week writing up my small victories and moments that make me smile (and cry!).  I know it is okay to feel all moments and that I don’t have to be super woman all day (thanks Elana for that reminder, I needed it! Love you Beiner).

XOXO

Hakuna MaTATAs

G (with her sexy button-down PJ style)