Gabby's Journey Through the Effed up World of the BIG C

5 out of 8.  How are we here already?  I cannot believe this whole experience started in July and we are already almost in November.  I knew it would go fast once we hit my favorite season but time is FLYING BY and this girl is loving it.  Before we know it, it will be early December and I will be doing cartwheels everywhere celebrating pure victory.

This past Tuesday I had my first round of Taxol and BOY am I glad that is over.  My companions were my dad Superman Stu and my girl T-Rap (T-Goldie; AKA my first friend ever for 34.5 years).  They are warriors because Taxol is a LONG A** infusion and is over 3 hours (mine was 6 hours because I am extra special).  For the first one, they administer super slowly because you can have a reaction such as shortness of breath, turning red, etc (anyone want to switch spots with me?). And to make it even more fun, they ice your hands/feet the entire time and make you feel like your Elsa in the movie Frozen (yes, that is over 3 hours with ice on you!).  The coldest I have ever been was a hypothermia warning in Boston when Sam and I thought it was a good idea to walk to a party with no gloves and a beer can in our hands.  Those were the days…worrying about which party was next.

Apparently the ice protects your nail beds because they can get all screwed up too; add it to the physical responses that these chemicals have on your body (is there any part of you that can’t get damaged?).  Thank g-d my chest will look FAB.  About an hour into mine, my Dad and Tara notice that I am super splotchy (for those who know me very well, it was the same as if I drank Stoli).  I felt like Jim Carrey in the Truman Show— within a minute all 8 nurses ran in as well as my oncologist and Odessa (his right hand and my spirit animal).  They decide to slow down the infusion to see if that will help; the final consensus is that I am just a splotchy girl.  Tick, tick, tick—3 hours becomes 6 hours, and I am delirious.  That IV coming out of my arm was how I imagine winning the lotto is.  Thank you Dad and Tara for not leaving my side, and for Markeeeeeee who surprised me as soon as he heard about “my red reaction”.  I think you either live life like you are dancing on rainbows or under a dark sad rain cloud, and luckily I prefer the happy route.  For the most part (this is in life pre the big C), I always have a smile on my face and although my doctors think I am nuts, I certainly keep it interesting and am pretty unique when it comes to my attitude versus others there. You know that is true when every nurse and doctor at a Cancer hospital tells you that.

Moving on to all the good that has happened over the last 2 weeks.  For starters, this chickadee is 3-5 and it feels good.  While I did not get to have jello shots on my birthday , it really was such a magical day.  While cancer sucks and it completely changes you forever, life is amazing and I am appreciating it now more than ever (so should you!).

Highlights of the last few weeks:

• My birthday was AMAZING and did not disappoint at all. Sub-bullets happening:
  • Marc legit planned the best day ever (and got me the most GORGIE bag!). So grateful I was feeling well to enjoy each activity (with naps in between of course!); started with Soul Cycle in Roslyn (11am class with 8 people vs the 945 waitlist sold out class; these are things I never thought of before), followed by massages at the Garden City Hotel’s Red Door Spa, lunch at the hotel, a nap for 2 hours, and dinner at the new David Burke Restaurant.  Luckily my appetite was BACK and I truly got to stuff my face which is rare these days.
  • My kids rock – they sang, they danced, they made brownies/cookies, and gave me so many hugs/kisses. I can’t even with the two of them!
  • For those of you who follow me on insta, I hope you got to see my Terez takeover. They are doing one every Tuesday and featuring Breast Cancer patients/survivors during October; was such a cool experience and thank you Deb (do not know what I would do without you!) for the introduction.  They documented the entire day and I was thrilled to share my story!!
  • I got to celebrate with so many girlfriends from all areas of life; thanks for spoiling me and going the extra mile this year! A girls night out is always the best medicine and I purposely planned treatment around 10/16 so I can celebrate.
  • Rob & Hayley—Devin from the Challenge wishing me a Happy Birthday was BY FAR the icing on the cake. I am not going to blow your secret on how you made that happen but I love him, and that was absolutely absurd!!!
    • I keep comparing my on week staying at my parents to the redemption house, and my off week like living in the Challenge house. See the correlation?
  • Thanks to everyone for all the wishes/messages/calls/flowers/balloons/gifts/texts; not one person forgot and it made me feel so special!
• Charity Ride—HOLY MOLY, was this a success!! We raised over $7300 for the BRCA Foundation (that is SO much money!!).  Huge thanks to iSpin for being such great hosts, for my sister making such a bad a** sign, to Pammycakes for donating cookies (https://www.pammycakecreations.com/) and to everyone who donated, rode, and traveled near/far.  The playlist, the energy in the room, the vibes, and the love were EVERYTHING and it made the birthday week complete.
  • I know I referenced this in a much earlier post but having friends and support from each part of my life has always been something incredibly important to me. At the ride, I had representation from family, childhood, elementary school, high school, to college, post college NYC life, old colleagues from Verve and current colleagues (JB!).  To look around the room and see 37 people there FOR ME was the most special feeling in the world.  I seriously can’t thank you enough for giving up a part of your Sunday to celebrate life!
  • For those who could not ride and donated, THANK YOU. Playlist below (inspired by my Positive Vibes Spotify list):
    • Came here for love Calvo remix-sigala ft Ella eyre
    • Run the world (girls)-Beyoncé
    • Eye of the tiger (Ralph Crowell &maydro festival remix)- survivor
    • Dog days are over – Florence and the machine
    • Stronger (mac Quayle mixshow edit) – Britney Spears
    • We will rock you remix – queen
    • Stronger- Kanye west
    • Survivor – destinys child
    • Fight song (wildbeat remix)- rachel platten
    • Don’t stop believing (mynga remix) – journey
    • Roar club mix remix- Katy perry
    • The climb (teddy cream bootleg)- Miley Cyrus
  • Major shout out to Karen & Steve Goldsmith for babysitting my kids during the ride; so lucky that I got such an amazing extended family. My kids had the best time ever and asked when you are coming back (whenever you want!).

  • 

• Pierce and his school did a Breast Cancer Walk; Mill Neck is such a magical place and I love how much they give back to the community.
• I am officially at 62.5% and started the new chapter of Taxol; adios Red Devil. While I only had this on Tuesday, I was warned that round 5 would be the hardest.  I have a mix of the RD still in my body and introduced a new drug; well, I will absolutely say that these doctors know what they are talking about.  Side effects are definitely different and this is lighter but it comes with its own version of fun.  I retreated at my parents for the week, and am definitely fatigued and SO SORE/ACHY.  I feel like I took 10 SLT classes in a row, and every bone decided to wake up from these drugs.  However, I will take this over foggy/dizzy, which is a WIN in my book.  I cannot believe I only have 3 more left!  I can so do this!
• The Bold Type: What an amazing show! You are very welcome; highly recommend to anyone who loves Younger and is in media/publishing.  I binge watched in 2 days and wish I had more seasons to enjoy!
• SAY YES: I got an invite to a 40^th birthday that is at the end of December and I actually got to say YES because I WILL BE DONE. You have no idea how that feels until your liberty and freedom of being a YES girl is stripped from you.  That was the fastest RSVP ever, and I cannot wait to SHAKE IT.  For me, will all of you just say YES to anything fun?  Thanks so much in advance!!
• The Cancer Card: I have had to pull this a few times in the last couple of months especially with chemobrain BUT this story takes the cake.  For those of you familiar with Denny’s, it is an incredible children’s clothing store and I feel like my kids could be their spokesmodels (along with half of Long Island).  Since being diagnosed I have been living a much cleaner life and have been utilizing CBD oil for anxiety/sleep when necessary; CBD oil does not contain THC and it is amazing.  Well, I bought a new CBD oil vape that is just for Gabby (no germs!); I am in Denny’s minding my own business waiting on line when the store owners/clerks mention that it smells like smoke and need to know where its coming from.  We are all looking around, and sure enough, there is a big black cloud coming from my pocketbook.  I am swatting the smoke with both hands, and it was like a scene out of a movie.  I turn bright red and have to explain that it is legal, and why I have it.  It must have turned on in my bag and is super sensitive to touch (hands down one of the most absurd experiences in my life). Never been a better time for the C card; thanks for the laugh CBD. 

It is obvious that there are things I am going to miss and be upset about:

• My Cousin Jill’s Wedding: I was super fortunate to grow up literally across the street from my Aunt Eileen, Uncle Mel, Cousin Jill, and Cousin Melissa. They were 4-5 steps away at all points and Mals and I were the annoying little cousins.  I noticed as I got older that no one else called their cousins “Cousin Jill”, “Cousin Melissa”, etc; to this day, we all still address each other by Cousin before the name.  My Cousin Jill is getting married next weekend and I cannot believe I have to miss it; it is in Florida and it is not suggested I fly during flu season especially when still under treatment.  I will have FOMO to the max but super happy that Marc and the kids (flower girl/ring bearer) will be representing the Wasses.  So happy I got to come that Saturday night to your bach party in Greenport; how brilliant to rent a house, sit in sweats, and have a chef come (Gabby “The Big C” approved).  Best of luck Markeeeeeeeeee on the flights to and from with both kids (YOU GOT THIS!!!!).
• My nuggets & Marc. I know it is best that I rest and that I spend my on-week at my parents house but I am really missing my normal family balance.  Even Pierce who I thought had no concept of timing asked me the other day where I have been and when I am coming home, and that he misses me (so many tears!).  I know my kids are feeling it, and I am so proud for how brave they are; this will be a chapter that closes in their life too and every FaceTime call gives me the extra strength I need to crush this.
• Sushi: Please come back into my life.  I need an omakase STAT with a bottle of sake.
• My teams annual Thanksgiving lunch: This was one of the best days in 2017. I absolutely love my team at Placed, and I will be at Sloan with an IV in my arm while my favorite humans all celebrate the best holiday ever (Thanksgiving is up there with my birthday!).  Please send me LOTS of snaps; Riley and I will miss you (yes Riley joined us last year and came to Cubby Hole; mom of the year!).
• My eyebrows and eyelashes: As if losing your hair is not hard enough, your eyebrows and eyelashes apparently wait for Taxol to really kick in (treatment 7/8) before falling out. It is like the final F*CK YOU from chemo; kind of comical when you think about it.  They say the last to fall out is the first to grow back; well, thanks for that!  Luckily I got my hands on lots of good pencils/stencils and am ready to become an eyebrow expert.  If anyone has any tips, I am more than interested!  On a positive note, I am like a hairless cat and have not had to shave in 2 months; could be worse!

 

Still figuring out my reaction to Taxol overall, and when I will officially feel back to Gab before I head back into round 6.  I always got a good 5-6 days on A/C so I am praying I get the same for these 4 rounds.  After all, I got Riley’s birthday party coming up (can’t let this stop me!) and Halloween;  I cannot wait to spend the day with my kids (outdoors is a beautiful thing!).  While Marc and the kids are away in Florida, my bestie from the midwestie Jamie is flying in to keep me company; all my girlfriends from elementary and high school are spending the weekend at my house (I told you I got the greatest friends ever!).  Looking forward to lots of smiles/laughs/reminiscing and to my cousin Jill FaceTiming me so I can see how beautiful she looks and how the kids are during the ceremony.

Love you all and cannot thank you enough for the support!! We are SO CLOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

XO

Gab (6 weeks away from FREEDOM!!!!)

 

 

 

It ‘twas the night before treatment, and this girl treated herself to Soul Cycle.  It was my first ride since surgery and it was everything I dreamed of.  I wore my beanie, and sanitized the crap out of the bike and the weights (I am far too OCD for my liking).  Lissa, I have never taken you before, but if you somehow magically are reading this, YOU INSPIRED ME.  I held on to a quote and wrote it down immediately after your class – “challenge is a form of measurement to see how far you can be pushed.  Without challenges, there is no way of seeing what you are capable of as a baseline.” Well girl, that struck me like lightning and gave me the exact motivation I needed to take on the 50% mark (insert Eye of the Tiger).

Being in some form of Ad Sales my whole post college life, I would never have counted 50% as a success (after all, you don’t make commission at 50% and mama needs her shoes.). It is so interesting to me how numbers can take on different meanings when new adventures occur.  As of July 2018, 50% meant success; it meant that I could see the finish line, that the “Red Devil” would be behind me, and that it would be October (my favorite month EVER; I clearly planned that my birthday would fall on my off week).

I went into the 4^thCT as if I won an Emmy for Best Talk Show Host (you can tell I am really obsessing over missing my calling). Insert picture below from my Bat Mitz where my theme was Gabbing with Gabby (how freakin funny!).  My mental state was incredible—after all, I had the BEST off weekend.  We did the fall festival shenanigans at Hicks with the kids, dinner Saturday night (sitter style) with Sam & Hunter, and hosted my first Sunday Funday.  Hicks was super cute and it was so nice to be just the four of us; between picking apples, the hayride, face painting, and Pierce deciding it would be funny to take my baseball cap off (I was wearing a halo which basically is a hula skirt and shows the top of your head!).  I know how much I have grown during this because I truly didn’t care and was over it in a nano second.  It is so weird how normal it becomes to have no hair and the funny part is you realize how much people talk about hair in general.  After this experience, I made a vow to minimize chatter around hair; I didn’t say I wouldn’t spend as much on coloring/cutting; sorry Wass).  Honestly though, in the grand scheme of things, it just does not matter and your face is truly whats key (and being a good kind person; I would not have the support I have throughout this if that was not the case).  Life is too fun and amazing!

I had to start a separate paragraph for this because it is worthy of it.  Did I mention that my girl Nicole came over Friday with the grandest gesture of all time?  SHE DIED HER HAIR PINK FOR BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH (like seriously; the whole head! Only she can pull it off and look as fabulous as ever).  Picture below—she was inspired by my story but was even more moved when she met someone at the salon going through the same exact experience(including triple negative!).  I mean how could I not run into the last RD treatment with the biggest smile on my face feeling on top of the world.  Love you Nic!

My crew and I marched right into the Sloan on 10/9 and my girls did not disappoint (duh!).  They brought the laughs, the constant chit chat, and most importantly the good vibes.  The Wasses  kick bad vibes out the door (those of you know who have attended one of our many house parties).  As the Jewish baseball team was being called into the chemo suites (Rosenberg, Stoller, Weinstein, etc), I went in ready to kick this things a**.  The nurses were celebrating the 50% mark and were just as happy as I was.  Special thank you to the Rosses for constantly updating their window sign to celebrate my victories, and huge hugs to Elana (those posters are EVERYTHING and being saved forever), Sam, and Stacey for keeping your girl company.  Love you all so so so so so so so much!!

So now it is officially Gab = 4, Red Devil = 0; don’t get me wrong, the RD had its moments and it definitely made me lethargic and exhausted, but it is fair to say, if one was being crowned a princess, it would be ME.  Lesson learned from round 3 and between listening to my body, reflexology, working out, and hydrating, I am happy to share that I had NO dizzy spells.  Pumped to begin treatment 5 of Taxol and see what that bad boy brings.

One thing I know it will for sure bring is CHEMO BRAIN.  CHEMO BRAIN IS REAL.  I mean seriously, it is actually a legitimate side effect that we are finding quite comical. I never had pregnancy brain or if I did, it was mild (like less than 100.4 mild).  I trust all of you who have had it BUT now after going through two pregnancies and the big C, I can promise you nothing compares to chemo brain.  Apologies in particular to the ever so patient Markeeeeee who has to repeat everything 6 extra times; thanks babes for laughing through it.   I thought it would be funny to share with you all a few real life examples:

• Z Gallerie—I swear I ordered a mirror from you about 3 weeks ago; it should be arriving this week based on what I thought. In fact, I found someone to hang it and was ready to make my entranceway shine like the Chrysler Building i(f you can’t tell, Annie is now the favorite movie in my house).  I called my mom after I ordered it because I was so proud of myself for using a 20% coupon (one day I will get on ebates!).  Well, to have the mirror of your dreams delivered, you actually have to press confirm order.  So now, no mirror to stare at my bald head with before leaving the house, and no coupon; fingers crossed, it is back on sale for Black Friday.
• Same thing as above happened with Container Store in my attempt to organize the kids toys. Waited for weeks and the chaos continued to build up.  This was the same day as Z Gallerie as I thought I was being so productive.
• Carousel Designs—if you ever need a baby gift, this website rocks and they have best customer service ever. For Dana’s new little love muffin Ari, I placed an order for Debbie and I with seriously the best sheets ever.  They were grey/white and chevron, and would have been delivered so timely if the freakin name was right.  SERIOUSLY, James?  Like I couldn’t get that right?  Dana, thank you for sending me this pic; I needed that laugh real bad and new ones are on the way with the right name.  That one I am sharing with Sloan Kettering for their hall of fame.

I am so happy to be out of my fog this week and wanted to share another list of fun bullets:

• Thank you to all influencers and brands who have embraced Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Prior to this that is something I would not have noticed, but what you are doing is SO smart for your brand and it is touching so many women nationally.  After all, Breast Cancer touches 1 in 8 females; I will be buying your brands SO much now.  XO
• Huge huge huge thank you to my parents!  I seriously am so grateful for how well you are taking care of me and my entire family.  Your energy level is insane and I can only hope I have half of it when I am your age.  Even though I sometimes say I feel like I am in prison or back in high school, I would not be healing and recuperating the way I am without your dedication and love.
• Finished Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (so good! Excited for season 2), Gossip Girl (all 6 seasons), and on to Friday Night Lights. I am up to episode 4 and it reminds me of Varsity Blues and I am loving every second of it.  NEED MORE SHOWS.
• Obsessing over Dave Matthews, Train, Sam Smith, and Calvin Harris; those are on the Positive Vibes playlist these days.  Keep sending songs so I can shake it!
• Kids are kicking butt in life; Riley is just showing such empathy and doing so many sleepovers (she just had one with her city BFF Scarlett!) and Pierce is thriving at his new school.  I mean this video is EVERYTHING and such a big deal!!
• Please send girl trip recommendations—plane or local!  Thanks in advance!!!
• Anyone do a Tough Mudder?  Want to add that to my bucket list and officially got the motivation to do the damn thing.
• Planning Halloween for the kids—Pierce being a Fireman (such a boy!) and needed help with Riley. Any and all suggestions as she is allllllll over the place (JoJo, cheerleader, tooth fairy, unicorn). HELP and please tell me if a Tooth Fairy is weird; personally I think it is unique and so freakin cute. 

So here we are, the night before I turn 3-5 (AHHHH!!!!). Marc took the day off and we are staying at the Garden City Hotel (fancyyyyyyyyyyy!).  We get to spend the morning with the nuggets, see them off to school, and SIONARAAAAAAAA.  I can’t wait to see what the day has in store, and to spend a full day feeling back to myself with him!  Mal & Adam, special thanks to Uncle David! 😉

Looking forward to the Charity Spin Ride on Sunday, 10/21 and am SO THRILLED with how much we raised (over $5K!!!!).  Can’t wait to rock out with all of you and ride the crap out of our bikes for such a good cause (BRCA FOUNDATION).  There is still time to donate below and I would LOVE to get above $6K if possible!!!

https://www.gofundme.com/gabby039s-hakuna-matatas&rcid=r01-153966117576-45744c7e52334830&pc=ot_co_campmgmt_w

I spoke to the Director of the BRCA Foundation on the phone, and know that this money is going to be used for incredible research; her follow up email is below:

“You’ve got such a great spirit, Gabby, audit’s clear to me you’re modeling such important stuff for your kids— especially your older one, who will likely remember this period.  How to power through, keep a smile on your face, still have fun, and remain engaged in life.   The biggest gift of all is modeling how to move through difficult stuff…

You have a beautiful family, you’re beautiful, and before you know it, this will all be over and a distant memory.  I know, easy for me to say, but it will be.

Thank you so much, again, for the donation you’ll be making— and to your friends, as well!  Oh— and that reminds me— you encourage testing in your blog.  You should know the BRCA Foundation has partnered with  Color to offer the Family Testing Program, whereby anyone who is a first-degree relative (parent, sibling, child) of someone who has a mutation (not just BRCA but definitely including BRCA) can test for only $50!!!”.

That last part really resonated with me—for anyone who is thinking about testing, $50 is SO not a big deal compared to what I have heard it costs.  DO IT DO IT DO IT!

Anyways, let’s let the birthday celebrations continue and in advance want to thank my family and friends for making it so special and for dealing with the birthday nazi!  The theme of 3-5 is making lemons into lemonade, and I am just so excited for what 3-5 has in store (lots of good health!).

Thanks so much and SO much more to come after the ride!!

XO

Gab (almost another year older, wiser, and 50% of the way done!!!)

FOMO (fear of missing out for my non millennial readers) is a real condition, and one that I have always suffered from.  For as long as I can remember, I have had FOMO and have never learned to manage it.

I know that being a YES girl and suffering from FOMO are related.  We are the type of individuals whose planners are booked for 4 weeks.  We totally overdo it and commit to everything (usually first amongst everyone with a giant YAY and with a sense of pride!).  This applies to things at work, family/kid activities, nights out with friends, Sunday Funday’s, birthday parties, concerts (you get the gist!).  Being bored is NEVER an option and not even part of our vocabulary.  If there is that time slot available (including driving time with traffic if you are taking this to the outer boroughs), you put it on the calendar and make it work with zero problem.  That is the definition of a YES person.

As I said in my last post, I thrive on chaos and being a YES girl is just part of my makeup.  Because I have always said yes to everything, I have been subjected to a lot of interesting and unique experiences and have been fortunate enough to meet the best people (which is really showing during this time more than anything!).  My attitude since day 1 has been work hard, play hard; my college girlfriends can attest to our 12 hour shifts at Mugar Library followed by nights out to the sunrise.  My colleagues and clients can confirm my strong work ethic and my oddly quick response time to an email (I can’t help it; I NEED to write back instantaneously and cannot understand people who do not. Molly Brant and Renee Parris, you SO get this!).

Recently, my therapist and I spoke about the 5 things that would be used by others to describe me; feel free to correct me or provide feedback, but I used positive, always down for everything, loyal/reliable, fun, and an energizer bunny (well she said that one!).  Based on the description above, you can only imagine what it has been like for me during the Big C.  I hate missing out on anything, hate responding “maybe” or will be a “game time decision”, hate having to ask for help, hate having to ask if anyone attending is remotely sick, and hate feeling like I cannot commit when I all I want to do is be there.  There have been instances where I attended things and forgot I even am going through this and then there are others where I overextended myself and should have listened to my body more What I can say is, I am learning everyday and need to understand that I am not a 100% version of the Energizer Bunny I was 3 months ago BUT I will be SOON!

With my new look, I decided to update my Bitmoji to be a blue eyed bald head cutie; it is actually amazing that Bitmoji has these types of features available (I mean they even have a headscarf if I am feeling cray and sporting one!).  I truly believe that all personal communication (clearly not work!) can be done via a Bitmoji, a GIF, or an emoji.  For those that I text with on the regular, you know what I am talking about.  PLEASE INSERT A GIANT DANCING WOOHOO BALD HEAD BITMOJI NOW– I will be 50% done with treatment on 10/9 and 100% done with the “Red Devil”.  Gab=3, Red Devil=0; I will not let the damn devil stop me from living my best life.  I can’t help but smile and think of spring break in college at Palladium when “Dance with the Devil” was all we listened to (Sam, Elana, Traci, Leah, Michelle, Pam—we got to find that soundtrack!).

As of today 10/3, (1 week + 1 day post 9/25 treatment), I officially feel back to myself (I get 6 whole days to enjoy every minute!).  Round 3 definitely hit me harder than the others in terms of fatigue and the introduction of dizzy spells.  This time during my treatment week, I literally slept or laid down for days; when I got a sporadic burst of energy, I take advantage by going for a walk and by eating something. Most of the days, I slept 12 hour nights, would force breakfast so I could take my medicine, and crawl right back into bed.  It is so odd being able to do that at my leisure—as a full time working mom, I never ever have time for just me and while being fatigued is not something you jump up and down about, being able to nap and sleep when you want is a luxury.  However, on a more fun note, I finally saw Princess Bride.  I can feel you all cringing now and so get the hype around it.  Judy, one of my mom’s besties and like a mom to me, made a date with me to watch it.  Thanks Judy for everything (highlighting the life references in the movie, the company, the flowers, the fruit!).

The dizzy spells are not new to my life as I have had them pre-chemo but it has been years (last one was pre-kids on a NYC crowded subway where I actually fainted and an angel random nurse on platform saved me).  And of course they are bound to happen when you are so hungover and you don’t know what to do with your life (we have all been there; don’t judge!).  The positive is that I know all the signs of it and the negative is that they came back with round 3; it happened twice this week.  It is apparently because I have super low blood pressure and oh yeah I am going through CT; doctor said I need to hydrate, eat every three hours, and always carry a form of protein on me.  I won’t get annoyed at any of you for asking me if I am doing those things; you have my word (Jewish mother me all day!).

Is this not the best time of year?  I seriously am OBSESSED with the Fall.  Everything about it makes me happy and I am blessed to be going through the peak of this during my FAVORITE season EVER.   Nothing makes Gab more excited than the first wear of my leather jacket (otherwise known as the LJ) and the first pumpkin flavored ad.  Because of the CT, I have been avoiding supermarkets which has its pros and cons BUT one negative is that I could not get all the new pumpkin stuff at Trader Joe’s (live for TJ!).  I follow them on Instagram and had so much FOMO of everyone sharing their newly stacked pumpkin filled everything carts.  I know this is temporary and I will be back there soon, but not being able to get in my car and go that day KILLED me.  I did not admit this to anyone BUT you can imagine it feeling like Hanukkah or my birthday (I love my  birthday more than the average) when my AMAZING MAGICAL UNICORN of a friend Ali texted me at 9:30am Sunday that there was a special delivery at my doorstep.  YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE IT—it was EVERYTHING from TJ that was pumpkin flavored; I mean, come on, it was as if my silent prayers were answered.  Ali Brenner, you are a gem, a mind reader, and my Pumpkin Spirit Animal.  I love your face and you seriously made me the happiest girl in the world. 

Besides loving the season, the end of September and October have so many other moments worth highlighting:

• Pierce & Romy’s Joint Birthday Celebration at White Post Farms: literally the most PERFECT day on so many levels. It was the Saturday before round 3 and I felt AMAZING; it was fall festival and the adults/kids soaked up the best weather ever.  So lucky that Pierce was surrounded by all his buddies and his little girlfriend, Romy and that we were with so many friends from all facets of life throughout the day.  A joint birthday was the smartest decision ever, and I highly recommend it to other parents when kids share the same friends!
• NEW BABIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My churro Sam Acunto and Dana both had the cutest little dudes of all time. Aunt Gab is ready to spoil your little man faces!
• Gabi & Brett’s Wedding: Normally I do absolutely nothing the Saturday of treatment week BUT I literally slept all day (thanks to my in laws for taking the kids!) to make it to this wedding. They are family, we LOVE them so much, and we HAD to make it.  Despite that one of my dizzy spells happened at cocktail hour (I swear it was something with the lighting!), I was able to power through wearing the sickest dress ever (courtesy of my girl Jen!), my red wig like Ariel, and shook my a** with Markeeeeeee until midnight (skipped the after party like a good patient).  Marc and I needed a night out like that and he was the most handsome arm candy of all time!  PS—anyone getting married should highly consider Elements (they had soul and RAPPED!).  MAZEL MAZEL TO THE NEW GOLDSMITHS!!!!
• OCTOBER IS BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH (and my birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!): YOU GUYS….there is a whole MONTH dedicated to what I have and I literally feel like every day needs a mini celebration. This is where I preach heavily but PLEASE for those that could have the gene, GET TESTED (what are you waiting for?) and for those that don’t, PLEASE do a self exam.  For all my friends and family who posted on social media and tagged me/my blog/my story, THANK YOU.  Keep spreading the good word; my goal and purpose is to make a difference and to help others!!
• THE TODAY SHOW: I mean honestly this was one of the coolest experiences ever. I am doing sub-bullets because there is SO much to say.
  • I am so happy with how I am handling my diagnosis; without putting my story out there and being so open, I would never have discovered Fighting Pretty. They put together care packages for patients going through chemo, and I swear the day the box is delivered, you are changed for the better. Outside of beauty essentials, My box contained a letter from a little girl named Marley (HELLO, BOB MARLEY IS MY FAVE and its PIERCE’s middle name!). 
  • Fighting Pretty was being featured on the Today Show for the start of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, and asked several of us to volunteer for putting packages together on set. My sister and I quickly said YES (DUH!), and I asked my Pepsi OMD clients to join (as a team they always volunteer together; how freakin awesome are they!).  THANK YOU MAL, SARAH, EMILY T, AND ERICA FOR BEING BY MY SIDE; SO HOW BLESSED TO HAVE  YOU IN MY LIFE. 
  • My amazing red head of a daughter Riley, Mals, and I spent all Sunday afternoon making posters for the show. Riley seriously was so proud we were going to be on TV, and put her heart and soul into the art on those posters.  Thank you so much Riley for continuing to get sweeter by the day; you have no idea how much I adore and love your face.  One day (when you are way older) you will read this, and I cannot wait for you to see how proud I am of you!  PS- everyone LOVED your poster and it made it on the big screen girl.
  • Prior to the taping, they asked several of us our stories and if any of us wanted to be featured. Sure enough, I got selected once they learned I am actually going through it NOW (think the Hermes headscarf gave it away!).  I could not have been more honored to speak and represent all the fighters out there!  Not going to lie, I feel like I missed my calling in life and should have been a TV host or Talk Show Host (thanks Jules for the suggestion of Gabbing with Gabby!).
  • Unfortunately, you would not have seen me putting together the packages which is what I was most excited for. After the first hour, I got a MAJOR dizzy spell and almost fainted on the set (legit saw black and stars); between not having breakfast (we woke up at 4:45) and being on my feet for almost an hour, my body was not having it. The Today Show and Kara (the founder of Fighting Pretty) were AMAZING; they brought me water, OJ, rubbed my back, and would not let me leave until I was 100%.  I cannot thank the Today Show enough for seriously taking the best care of me and for holding me up to go inside.
  • STILL THE BEST DAY EVER AND SO PROUD!!!!!! I must focus on the good that came from it! You see, I learned A LOT from that day and just overall; I know my body and until that one week mark from treatment occurs, I need to not overcommit.  I am a work in progress!
• Last but NOT least, MY 35^th Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Instead of blacking out on jello shots, we will be tapping it back at iSpin for a charity ride in support of Breast Cancer Awareness Month. All proceeds are going to the BRCA Foundation; Thank YOU to my family, friends, cousins, old coworkers, and coworkers who have donated and are riding!  We are going to have a BLAST and there are a few goodies in store!!  I have a few bikes left if anyone is interested in joining; details and the website below:  https://www.gofundme.com/gabby039s-hakuna-matatas

 

As you can see from the above, despite the Big C, I got a lot to be excited about and grateful for.  Feeling incredibly physically (thanks to my Peloton bike & Physique 57 on demand subscription) and mentally strong going into the next round on 10/9.  After all, I got my girl squad there with me and I will be at the 50% mark!  I swear it is flying and I attribute that to the love, support, and of course that is FALL.

Thanks SO much!!!

XO

Gab (your chameleon hair friend; who knew I could rock bald, short, red, blond, long?)

There are two types of people in the world—those who live their life in the green or in the red.  My dad and my sister are 100% both “green” people, and my mom and I are “red” people.  I met my match with Marc—he is red too (we really are two peas in a pod!).  For those of you who do not get what I mean, explanations below:

• Life in the Green Lane: Your phone/computer/technology are always 100% charged; you have back up chargers for your back up chargers, and you know how to utilize every type of streaming technology (I just made that part up but you get the gist). Your ear buds or ear phones are always untangled, and you have the PERFECT little pouch container for them. You get anxiety when your battery is at 80% and when you have any unread emails at night (inbox must be 0 before snoozefest).
• Life in the Red Lane: As I like to call it, thriving on “chaos”.  Your phone/computer/technology is always on “low battery”, and you play a sick little game to see how much longer you have before it actually dies.  You have slight anxiety around it but can function in life knowing that you maybe have the appropriate charger somewhere in the vicinity. Your earbuds are always tangled, and I mean ALWAYS tangled and you have yet to upgrade to the new ones because why make your life easier.  Your personal inbox is a MESS and has 29,238 emails; not your work one because you are an OCD professional and kick a** (every company needs those that live life in the red lane; they are often your best producers!).

The world needs both types to go round, and I am a proud member of the “Red” club.  I can’t help but laugh thinking about my lifestyle, how I live in this lane, and how my first four treatments are known as the “Red Devil”.  It is too ironic but it is Red Vs Red here–I refuse to let the RD win; as I said earlier. you met YOUR MATCH.  As of 9/11, I am 25% done with all treatments, 50% done with the Red Devil, and I am ready for those next two; no one messes with this chickadee.

I will not lie—the days leading up to your next treatment are the best and the worst.  You start to gain “normalcy” and feel like yourself for just a few days, and while you know you are one step closer to completion (insert whatever dirty joke you got), there is this looming anxiety around if this time will be the same, or even worse.  All doctors and nurses tell you that it is cumulative and to expect it get more intense as it goes on but that the symptoms you experience are typically the same (for example, if you did not have water tasting like metallic the first one, it 99% wouldn’t happen the second).  Sounds fun, right?

September 10^th, 2018:  L’Shana Tova to my people; unfortunately, this year I had to avoid temple like the plague.  The Wasses minus Gab represented but it is far too risky with germs, people, and the desire for everyone to do the double kiss on the cheek and pass me whatever they got.  To get in touch with my inner spirit animal that day, I saw a reflexologist for the first time; it was a day before my next treatment and this form of east meets west is believed to aid with healing, and to boost your immune system.   I am always down to try something once (sorry Mom and Dad, I was your rebellious child) and I was BEYOND impressed/relaxed/happy I did it. For 60 minutes, Heidi touched pressure points on my body that are connected to areas that help with your immune system and it was the first time in 2 months I was 100% at ease (basically sleeping and drooling).  Post reflexology and after my nuggets came home, we went to our best family friends, The Raphael’s.  This is an annual tradition and no one had any colds/runny noses/coughs/sinuses/etc (these are the things I have to ask about before going anywhere now; so annoying!).    Such a fun afternoon being with my parents, my family, The Mandel’s, and the Raphael’s; 34 years of friendship between all families (so cool!) and I just felt the best energy/love/support before treatment the next day.  I say goodbye to the kids and explain that I am sleeping in the city and will be at my parents for a few days; it was beyond difficult this time because they know what to expect.  Pierce gives me his gorgeous sad blue eye face and then smiled, and Riley is just sad/quiet/trying to be strong (breaks me into a million pieces to even see her like this).  We are just so connected and very similar that being separated is beyond difficult for both of us.  I give huge hugs, put on a brave face, and walk away crying in the pouring rain (as Pierce would say, the sun is crying; makes my heart melt).

My dad being a superhero drove my sister and I back to her apartment that night in NYC; yes, through the Rosh traffic and everyone schlepping their leftover brisket and matzoh ball soup.  Thanks Dad! Trust me, I cannot wait to take public transportation again and to be on that LIRR for work (counting down).  Mals and I spent the night watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians (we both are still obsessed!) and just being us; as much as I love sleeping next to Marc and having that comfort, there is something so special about being with my sister that just makes everything feel okay.  I pass out, sleep through the night (of course with the aid of my ever so fabulous Adavant) and wake up ready to ROCK.

September 11^th, 2018: I made Mal sign up for a FlyBarre class with me before treatment; yes, I am a lunatic but physical activity is a critical part of my life and I need it mentally.  Figured it is the first class in the morning, and after I wipe all the weights a thousand times (things I never thought about before), I should be good to go!  So our alarms go off at 5:45 (sorry Mal!) and we make our way to the UES studio for the Power class (taxi and Mal opened door/shut door, and I used my sweatshirt for arms).  I looked around the class at all these gorgeous gals and thought about what each of them were doing today and oddly felt empowered knowing I was different and the only one about to do CT.  As weird as that sounds, it made me feel like the strongest girl in the world and gave me exactly what I needed to take the Red Devil head on.  Post class, we put on our FU Cancer Gear–my new custom trendy AF Wass sweatshirt from Oilman’s & custom “Tough as a Mother” shirts from Pixie and Lane–Dara and Jenn.  Absolutely follow these gals on Insta and FB–they made these custom shirts for me after following my journey and dropped them at my house as a gift for my chemo squad and myself (so freakin sweet).  https://www.facebook.com/PixieLaneDarandJenn

We made our way to Sloan for a packed agenda—8am blood prick, 8:30 Dr Robson (my angel of an oncologist; seriously most soothing man ever), a generous hour break to grab water/fruit/coffee, and 10am chemo.  And guess what—-my blood count came back AMAZING (attributing to taking good care of myself and of course the reflexology!!!).  Happy to share her contact info!

I know I am always boasting about how incredible my friends are (I know I know it is because of me and who I am) BUT round 2 demonstrated that.  Jen and Seth, friends from Merrick (who at this point are family) were our “Uber” and kept me company; I mean seriously, how freakin LUCKY am I.  In our fancy chemo suite, I had my sister, my husband, and two of our best friends.  Only I could make it a party, but we had the BEST TIME.  If you have not played “What Do You Meme”, I highly RECOMMEND IT.  It is normally an amazing late night drinking game but it is guaranteed hysterical laughter; the 1.5 hour treatment flew in a blip and although the nurse thinks we are insane, it was one for the books.  I am pretty sure it was marked in my file that I am the patient every nurse wants after how much fun and how loud our room was (after all, we are in a cancer hospital and it is a pretty depressing place).

The week after treatment went as expected; I retreated at my parents Tuesday-Friday afternoon, and returned back to Merrick Friday night.  Unfortunately, I had to miss Riley’s meet the teacher night; schools are a giant petri dish of germs and a big no-no for Gab.  Marc represented the Wasses and the teacher knows everything going on (Riley is doing great and is not showing any signs of anything at school; YAY!  Makes me so happy and proud of her and how we handled it).  This time around was easier for a variety of reasons—I slept a LOT (12 hour nights, and naps in between forcing myself to eat), I was able to work out (post 6 weeks; did long walks), and I took Claritin.  WEIRD but Claritin happens to help with the joint pain you experience; so instead of feeling like I took 14 Barry’s Bootcamps in one day, it felt like I did two.  I WILL TAKE IT.  It was such a significant difference from treatment one and anyone who is getting the Nulasta shot should take it 5 days post infusion.  I am so grateful as a person that I am open to sharing my story (so many hide and keep it private; to each their own) and being introduced to others going through this; I never would have known that tip and it changed my entire second experience. 

Never again will my kids be home on a Saturday during my on-week; as much as I love them and their energy, it is my worst day (off sleep meds and off steroids), and mama bear needs her sleep/rest.  Lesson learned from the first treatment when they were home, and it truly impacted my overall health and physical status.  My parents being the superheroes they are exchanged me for the kids and took them for the full day/night.  My dad grew up in Coney Island and thought it would be fun for the kids to see; they spent the day on rides, eating Nathans, walking the boardwalk, and visiting my dad’s old stomping grounds.  It was a special day for them, and they today are still talking about it; thanks Mom and Dad (seriously; how you have this much energy is beyond me!).

Saturday, Marc and I seriously just sat, slept, sat again, and then slept again.  The liberty of being able to take a nap at any moment is so powerful; it was like a pre-kids day except with a layer of chemo.  By 5pm, the FOG was gone.  I was BACK (play Ariana Grande “Break Free”).  Now this is the comical part—on Saturday afternoon, Marc develops a COLD.  I mean SERIOUSLY; it is our one day together, your wife is going through cancer/chemo, and you get the sniffles.  Dudes are just so different than females (love you SO much Marc) but they cannot handle being sick; it is as if the world is ending, and they just need so much love/attention/help.  As cute as it may be to be that needy and vulnerable, I cannot be near germs and every sneeze drove a bigger wedge on the couch during Bachelor in Paradise (obsessed with Astrid and Kevin!!!!!!!!!).  Needless to say, separate beds for the night, walking around with Lysol the entire day, and THANK GOD I DID NOT CATCH ANYTHING.  And yes, Markeeee is all better thanks to Advil Cold & Sinus and lots of sleep.  Don’t worry, I am feeling good too!  😉

I wake up Sunday morning to part of my pixie cut on my pillow.  Throughout the week it had started BUT like so minimal and non-traumatizing.  I have spent so much time focusing on the hair factor, and promised myself the first minute it started, I would buzz it off.  I swear to all of you I was not sad or upset; it actually means the chemo is working, and that I am a step closer to being done with this phase.  Plus, I seriously have 17 wig options and each one is better than the next.  I text Lisa immediately (my angel face of a friend and a huge part of this journey for me), and we booked it for first thing Monday morning after drop off.

Sunday afternoon there was the Merrick fair (outdoor activities rock and so does Purell), and we took the kids with several friends of ours; it was HOT AS BALLS out there and wearing a wig in 100 degrees is NOT FUN.  I overdid it but that’s what you do for kids—I feel internal guilt all the time for having this, not being here during the on-week, and just want the days where I feel good to celebrate every minute.  What matters most is that the kids had the best time, and that I had 10 bottles of water on me to stay hydrated.  I put on as big as a smile as I could, and my friend Nicole saved me and brought me to an AC bar/restaurant where the lady gave me a ginger ale for free (she could tell I was hurting).  Life lesson learned–do not overcommit to activities where weather conditions may not be best for you and ASK FOR HELP GAB.  You don’t have to be a superhero, and people want to help YOU (pep talk I give myself).  After the carnival, we retreated back at the Oilman’s, watched the games (let’s keep it real, the girls hung in the kitchen and chit-chatted for hours), the kids played outside, and most importantly, I hydrated and hydrated.  I CANNOT WAIT TO HOST AGAIN and have my house be that house; SO SO SO SO SO SO SOON.  Jen and Seth, thanks for always having us now and I promise to pay it forward (Cinco de Mayo and SO much more!!!).

You all know how much I love my bullets and I wanted to highlight a few things from the last week:

• 4 others stepped forward and told me they got genetically tested for the BRCA gene. YOU GO GIRLS!  Knowledge is power, and it is what helped me catch this damn tumor so EARLY and to be A-OKAY.  You have the opportunity to be in control, and do not realize how lucky you are to get to do things prophylactically.  I am envious of you; that was supposed to be me!
• I truly can rock any hair style. First thing Monday Lisa came over and buzzed my head; it was the MOST liberating feeling in the world and my head is like a giant chia pet (kids are obsessed with rubbing it for good luck!).  More importantly, I feel GORGEOUS and SEXY.  I have never been so appreciative of my facial features, my eyes, my skin; my friend Elana joked that I could be on an app for changing hairstyles.  Who knew I was so versatile?
  

  
• Earrings and hats are so wonderful and really help make you feel fabulous; BaubleBar & Bloomingdales has the BEST stuff.  So accessible, affordable, and lightweight; please send me any and all recommendations for the best hats/earrings.
• I am getting better at asking for help; it is really hard for me. I am a VERY independent person and strong minded and have a VERY difficult time asking for help/admitting I need help.  Thank you to all my friends, family, and support system who have given me no option and have offered to drive/help with kids/babysit; I NEED YOU and am so grateful you know me well enough to not allow me to say no.  THANK YOU, THANK YOU!  I am working on it!
• The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel is a GREAT show; thanks for the recommendation! Binge watching it and of course all my housewives are back (phew!).  RHOD is SO great; watch it!!!!  Next up, Orange is the New Black and Ozark 2!
• I added 5 more songs to my Positive Vibes Playlist on Spotify and thought I would share them and why they got selected:
  • Omen by Sam Smith & Disclosure – I love Sam Smith and he was by far one of my most favorite concerts ever at MSG. I had to fake drink with my clients because I found out a day earlier I was pregnant with Pierce (my mannnnnnnnnn!) and could not stop replaying this song after.  Just happiness all around!
  • Rolling in the Deep by Adele — Mals, we know no one can touch Adele; no one should bother on American Idol or EVER. Inside joke BUT this song is just the best and always makes me shake my booty and pretend I am a Soprano (I am so a baritone).
  • No Easy Way Out by Robert Tepper— Recommendation by Markeeeeeeee and although I have never seen Rocky 4 (I know, I know, I know; added to list of things to do while on leave), this song is such a PUMP UP and makes me feel strong on a daily basis.
  • Nobody to Love by Alex Newell—one of my favorite business trips was to HOTLANTA with two colleagues who became family—Allie Cat and Brian Rosenberg. We replayed this song a MILLION times and climbed up Stone Mountain having this play.  It brings me to a place where I just feel pure joy; it is funny how songs spark memories. 
  • Such Great Heights by The Postal Service—COLLEGE. Senior Year. Leah and Elana.  Late night drives to IHOP (best whole wheat pancakes ever with boysenberry syrup).  Enough said.  Love you ladies so much and this along with so many songs are helping me throughout this.
• Candles are therapeutic. My girl Heather got me one from Leoben that’s mantra is “Today you will relax”.  I am OBSESSED with it, and light it almost every single day.  It gives me a sense of peace and makes my house smell so magical.
• I am CANCER FREE. I asked the nurse during my appointment when it will be gone, and she said, “GIRL IT IS.  You are doing chemo as an insurance policy but after the double mastectomy, consider yourself healthy”.  I AM NOT SICK (have to keep reminding myself that and everyone else who keeps using that word) and in just a short few months, this lady will be back and I am plotting all my most favorite outings/activities.
  • First one is BOTOX. I know that makes me vein but it is just the best thing ever and mine looks natural.  I still don’t understand why if I am putting all these other chemicals into my body, why I can’t do that.  Apologies for crow’s feet in advance on top of my bald head.
  • Second is absolutely a pregame at my house and then Mulcahy’s night for Big Shot.
  • Third is the best omakase sushi dinner EVER. Going on a tour of Omakases; send me your favorites!
  • Fourth is dying my hair bleach blonde; as soon as I have stubble, I am going for the Cara Delevingne look.

Breast Cancer Awareness Month is just a few short weeks ahead.  Do a self-exam, make a doctor appointment, get checked.  As females it is our job to own our bodies and to be in control!  I have sent my blog to several publications and publishing houses. If anyone has an in and wants to share, go ahead!; I am pretty confident my story would resonate with millions of women out there on how important early detection and genetic testing is.  Not to mention, I think they would love the wit and perspective and good vibe I got going on.

Next treatment is 9/25, and until then, I am going to enjoy the off week and time with my husband, family, friends.  Love that during this season I can be outdoors (free game! No germs!) and soak up the sun and fall weather.  I am giving all the extra TLC to my babies; Pierce does not really realize whats going on but Riley needs me more now than ever.  She will not leave my side when I am home, and I swear she is getting sweeter and sweeter and more empathetic by the day.   I am loving how some of the sass is converting to just pure kindness and love; I wake up in the middle of the night and she is right beside me.  I am her comfort and her safe place, and I am dedicated to kicking this things a** for my family.

Thanks as always for all the support, the love, and for always checking in; I am doing great mentally and physically and it is because of YOU.  And Markeeeee, thank you for being you; you love me unconditionally and truly make me feel sexy no matter what and that is all that matters!!

LET’S DO THIS.  NEXT TIME, I AM 75% DONE WITH THE RD, AND 37.5% TO GOAL.  WOOHOOO!!!!

XO

Gab (who can rock any hairstyle and loves who she is)

12.5% done (thanks Dad for doing the math); I LOVE PERCENTAGES.  What can I say, I have been in Ad Sales for quite some time and thrive on knowing how far I am to 100%.

GAB = 1, Red Devil = 0; for those of you who don’t know, the A/C part of my chemo treatment is often referred to as the red devil.  Sounds fun, right? The name alone is terrifying and sounds like a bad horror film. Well Red Devil, you met your match; Gabby Stoller takes no prisoners, and while you definitely had an impact, I kicked you’re a**.  I will thank you for one thing—for easing my controlling Type A personality, and providing me with a template of how I can expect to feel each day after initial treatment.

8/28 was my first CT at the very fabulous Sloan Kettering, AKA, my new home and common GPS coordinates (lat/long is still the cream of the crop for location data).  At the crack of dawn, Marc and I took the last of my LIRR train rides in (germ city!); obvs, I am in my FUCK YOU CANCER attire from head to toe courtesy of Amazon and Etsy.  We arrive a tad early and went to our favorite UES breakfast spot, Gotham Café. GO THERE and have the Sinful Coffee (you are very welcome).  We had such an awesome morning just being us, and right before walking into Sloan, we vowed to maintain the positive vibes/energy and did an adult version of a chest bump.

First appointment was a finger prick at 8am which is so unenjoyable but it basically checks your levels to make sure you are golden for treatment; hey doctors/nurses out there, there has to be a better way to understand what your blood counts are than someone squeezing your finger insanely hard to fill a vile.  Next I met with Amy and Odessa, my two new best friends forever and ever and ever and ever; these are Dr. Robson’s right hand gals and will be holding my hand for the next 4 months.  I try to use my sales skills and negotiate myself out of chemo but of course that does not work;  a girl can try!  They both reassure me that this is an insurance policy and covers if anything microscopic is in my body this will KILL it.  I move on quickly and listen diligently as they LITERALLY walk me from head to toe on what the possible side effects are from my treatment—hair loss (can’t get out of that one), migraines, sinuses, mouth sores, metallic taste for food/water, sensitive skin, shoulder aches, my surgery area would hurt like hell, nerve damage, constipation, joint issues, and sensitive feet.  AREN’T YOU ALL JEALOUS AND HAVE FOMO?!?!?! I look over at Marc who officially let this all sink in, and say, LET’S DO THIS. After all, I need it to begin for it to end and to be in the clear and to be happily dancing on the finish line.

I swear Sloan is the Four Seasons of cancer centers; their chemo suites are private, very modern, and comfortable.  I got the corner suite (DUH!), squeezed the first of my squads in their seats (Marc, Dad, Mom, and Mals) and immediately befriended Thierry, the most amazing NURSE ever.  The A/C treatment in itself is about 1.5 hours, and I got to be honest, it flew by; it sure helps that Sloan has a massage therapist who comes around (I mean seriously!?!??!!!).  I am going to lock that in for my next 7 rounds; sign me up please!  Besides the massage, we just talked and laughed because that is what the Wasses, Stollers, and Goldsmiths do.  We “kibbitz” (spelling) as my mom would say.  NOW, there are SO many things that I would say are the greatest feeling in the world (earmuffs Mom, Dad, Riley, and P), BUT, that needle coming out of my arm is UP THERE.  It is my version of feeling like I won the MTV Challenge or Bingo (it is just such a fun game), and a sign of accomplishment.

My parents drive me back to Long Island and to Valley Stream (back in my childhood bed again) I retreat.  What I find most interesting after chemo is the anxiety over the anticipation of when the side effects will kick in.  Everyone is different and every reaction is unique for the individual so it is annoying to try and predict what yours will be. After the first day, I recentered and decided to have a DAY BY DAY approach; the unknown is scarier than what could actually occur.  Since I love a good list, I thought it would be best to provide a daily summary of week 1 post CT:

Tuesday (day of treatment):Still on steroids which masks a lot of the side effects, feel like I am in a fog/daze (yet manageable), tiny hunger, and am drinking so much water.  In and out of sleep until the night when I knock myself out with whatever antipsychotic sedation drug provided.  There was a full moon on 8/28 which was a sign; full moons in my opinion are for healing, and what better night for that to be.

Wednesday:  Same as above BUTAngel Nurse Nancy Jeuda gives me my Nulasta shot which is supposed to keep my blood counts stable (and also causes MAJOR aches across your entire body). I head back to Merrick to see the kids in the afternoon for an hour or two; it was so worth it but even that little of time made me SO beyond exhausted.  I immediately have to go back to sleep, eat a tiny dinner, and then back to sleep again (this sedative is quite powerful and haven’t slept that good since college).

Thursday:Same as Wednesday minus the shot (rinse and repeat).

Friday of LDW: Back to Merrick for real life (hello children!); my parents somehow have the most energy in the world and offer to have my kids sleep at their house (phew!). Marc and I relax, chill in, and around 5pm, a rush takes over my body and HOLY EFFIN SH*T do I feel achy/sore.  I promise you, every single vertebrae and every joint/bone from my waist up were on fire.  It was as if I did Barry’s Bootcamp, Orange Theory, and Fhitting Room all in one day. Did I think I was really invisible dodged that bullet?  OMFG…I go to sleep and just pray I feel better in the morning.

Saturday:  Well if I thought Friday (it will be awhile before I say FriYAY) was bad, this is the DAY.  This is the DAY they warn you about.  Now, I have had MANY MANY MANY MANY terrible hangovers in my life that I thought could prepare me for this; Saturday was UP there except I did not have the most EPIC night ever before.  I equate it to having 10 margaritas at Rio Grande (grain alcohol for non NYers) or 16 tequila shots and then throwing yourself in the middle of the street and having a bus run you over.  I needed it to end quick, and could not have rushed the day more until night when I passed out.

Sunday:I sleep super late (thank you Markeeeeee; thank you Debbie for having Riley sleepover), and wake up with a headache but I WILL TAKE IT (2 Advil later!).  I am just so grateful to have Friday and Saturday behind me and appreciative of feeling good enough to get out of my house.  We take the kids to our beach club, enjoy a late afternoon there, BBQ with our cabana, celebrated all the summer birthdays, listened to live music, and soaked up the last of summer.  It ended up being such a fun day and the kids loved having me back as “mom”.

Monday:  My first day feeling like G$ and its PIERCE’S BIRTHDAY!!!! So call it cancer mom guilt, but I was determined to make this the best birthday yet.  It was the first birthday that he actually understood what it meant, and when I asked what he wanted, he said to drive a fire truck.  Well, at 9:30am, Captain Jack arrives at Casa de Wass in his MASSIVE fire truck.  Pierce, Riley, and some of their friends got to get behind the wheel, spray the fire house, learn fire safety, and dress up. This was his version of being at a Day Party in Las Vegas (for those of you who know me real well, I LOVE DAY PARTIES in Vegas/Miami/you name it).  Our families came over later that day, opened up gifts, sang happy birthday, and we prepared for first day of school Tuesday (R).

This brings me to Tuesday of this week and well, this week is MASSIVE for a variety of personal reasons.

• Both my babies went to school—Riley in 1^stGrade (crushed it!), and Pierce to his 3’s program at Mill Neck (ran off so quick there was dust behind him).Normally I am not emotional about these days; I truly celebrate that there is structure BUT I got teary with both. They are just such good kids, growing up so fast, and are so happy/proud to be going to school; obviously I also just feel so bad that I am going through this and they have to even witness it. While I hate that I have to be home from work because of this (trust me, I am meant to be working and miss it tremendously), I am happy that I get to be such a part of these experiences for them.
  

  
• Today was a day I said FUCK YOU CANCER. Day 14-17 after first treatment is when hair is expected to fall out; instead of that being the deal, I cut my hair GI JANE style (with my BRCA sister, Angelina Jolie cut as inspiration).  As you can tell, I have been obsessing about my hair AND it was SO freakin liberating.  Lisa Amato, officially part of my inner circle forever, is a private hairdresser in Merrick and has a daughter Riley’s age. Prior to all this, I leaned on Lisa for lots of advice in regards to Mill Neck; fast forward to a few weeks ago, I asked her to be an active part of this journey and to style my hair through all the phases including the shaving/cutting super short one.  She is an angel and amazing hairdresser, and honestly we had SO much fun.  I would not have changed anything about today; I had my college bestie/sister Sam and Paulette there as my support team, and all of us just chatted and laughed (Dave Matthews in the background as well as my relaxation candles burning). I really thought it would be emotional and I just feel so free and so strong.  I LOVE THE HAIRCUT and Marc was right, I can rock whatever style because its all about the face.  I also got my wigs as back up, and am ready to have multi personalities (red or blonde; you will have to wait and see!).
  

  
• I CAN WORK OUT AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am normally a 4-5x week gal, so 6 weeks with NO real physical activity besides walking is just not cool. I cannot wait to do my Peloton bike, take a Soul (probably cry in the back row), and to get this BOD back

The odd part of all of this is that I have never felt more confident and strong.  Not to mention, I am the most connected to my body mentally and physically.  I literally can understand on a day to day basis how I am feeling, what is off, how I am responding, and detect what impact these chemicals are having on me. Next treatment is September 11th, and I am in a great headspace to take this to 25% and to conquer it head on.

Thank you so much to everyone for all the love and support; all the letters, emails, texts, calls, introductions to others are EVERYTHING and it keeps me in this positive mindset.

LET’S DO THIS.

XO

Gab (Rocking this cut like GI EFFIN JANE)

 

Well, here we are, the night before effin treatment begins (insert every single emoji of emotion humanly possible).

Today was an important day all around.  I had an appointment at Sloan where I got ballooned again (injections to expand); no joke, the theme song in our house on these days are “DON’T YOU KNOW PUMP IT UP, YOU GOT TO PUMP IT UP (Danzel is the artist, and of course this is on my Positive Vibes playlist”)..”  We dance, shake it, and get ready for Gab to slowly get out of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee.  Tonight, Marc and I had our conversation with Riley, and after much back/forth, we opted to not use the word cancer. It went as well as it could for an almost 6 year old; we explained that treatment is necessary to heal, and that it means it is working if I am extra tired and lose my hair.  We walked through when I am going to cut my hair, and how wigs/scarves/hats will be a daily fun dress up party.   I showed her the wig pictures immediately and SHE LOVED the red one (best decision ever).

The last 6 weeks since diagnosis have flown by and I am PRAYING the next 4 months do too. Oddly enough this is always my favorite part of the year— school begins, Pierce’s birthday, Jewish holidays, my birthday, Riley’s birthday, our anniversary, Thanksgiving, and then it’s the holidays.  I LOVE BIRTHDAYS; everyone deserves one day that is theirs, and we make it a big deal in our house (mark my word kids, this year it will be 100x!).  By 2019, I will be Cancer FREE (knock on wood, poo poo, all those things you say to not jinx) and then the exchange occurs (watch out Gigi and Bella, I am going to have the nicest ones in the game).

I am breaking out my cancer journey into two BIG chapters—the DM and CT (chemotherapy sounds cooler when it’s an acronym).  While part one certainly had its challenges (those damn drains, and oh yeah, recovering from a massive, massive surgery), part two will be more emotionally and physically taxing.  I am as prepared as one can be for what is known, but of course I have anxiety about the unknown.  For me personally, the unknown mostly focuses on which days after chemo I will be the most drained and when will I feel most energized.  Last Friday I was with my Cousin Beth (my mom’s first cousin who had breast cancer a few years ago, no gene) and I asked her that exact question.  Funny enough/interestingly enough, she did not recall; while I wish she did for my own research, I was SO happy she did not remember.  That means this will all be a distant memory, and that gave such a rush of positive feelings (like Disney Land with the Quad Squad, and like skydiving in Interlocken with my girl Sam).  Just another reminder that life continues on, and this will be a blip in time that sucks a fat one BUT will make me a stronger, more unique individual with a real story of courage behind them.

Friday marked the 4^th week since the surgery, and I am thrilled with how I am healing and feeling (maybe that is a future Hallmark card?).  The pain is so minimal that it is not even worth discussing/complaining about, and I swear, I don’t even remember what my old ones looked like (is that weird?).  I am content looking like my 13 year old awkward lip bumping self (yes, I wore a lip bumper and it was HOTTTTTT).

One of the best parts of this entire experience is realizing how awesome I am.  Let me explain before you think I am some self-loving, narcissistic a**hole.  I think it tells a lot about the type of person you are if you have close friends from childhood, camp (I get its more of a Jewish thing), high school, college, work, your neighborhood, kids schools, etc.  I know I am a lucky girl with how many close friends I have, but what I am beginning to understand more is that it is because of who I am.  The energy you put out in the world speaks volumes about who you are, and I am SO happy that my vibe is a good one.  That is SUCH a cool feeling to finally embrace; I am used to running a million miles a minute with zero time for myself and being able to spend time processing this has been such a blessing.

Outside of my closest nuclear circle which can’t be beat, the amount of outreach I have received is JUST beyond.  My Camp Echo bunk put together the most incredible, memory provoking gift basket of all time; it contained a Hermes headscarf to ensure I am the chicest cancer patient, and Mad Libs, Pick Up Sticks, Jacks (I taught Riley all of them, and she OWNED me in pick up sticks).   I have received so many cards in the mail from all over the US from friends, friends of friends, moms of friends, moms of old coworkers (Annie, your mom is the cutest!), kids of friends, you get it.  I am so lazy with stamps and am so impressed you went to a mailbox for me.  J.Nel, “you are my funshine” is JUST the best saying ever and is officially part of my mantra list.  That card brought me a HUGE smile—byou are right, I am FUN and I promise to keep up that part of me throughout this (even on my worst days).  Riley and Pierce, I vow to you to keep up our dance parties, to blast sonos with your favorite songs (even if I am sick of hearing KEKE do You LOVE ME and the Middle), as long as you promise to keep me a “cool mom”.  Officially dominated the floss, and look forward to the next dance move being introduced.

This last week has been EVERYTHING.  As I promised myself earlier, I wanted to enjoy every SINGLE day during the one week with zero doctor appointments, no prescription meds, and no toxic chemicals in this body of mine.  Can’t thank my family and friends enough for trying to keep me busy, entertained, and distracted.  You MASTERED it.  A few highlights below of the “One Gab Week of Fun before CT after the DM”:

• Monday: Mani/Pedi with Meredith (the sweetest and best vibe girl out there); don’t worry Mom, no one is cutting my cuticles; trust me, I get it, I get it (love you!). Our friends Cliff and Jamie came out from NYC to have dinner with Marc and I (how NICE!!!) at Anchor Down.  Love you guys so much, and so touched you schlepped out on a Monday after work to stuff our faces on lobster.   YUM in the TUM (thanks P for the coin phrase).
• Tuesday: OKAY OKAY OKAY, I know, I keep talking about this and how great my friends are BUT get ready….Debbie and Dana, my Merrick sistasssss, kidnapped me at 9am and told me to pack a day bag with any essentials. I need to set the stage a bit more—they both took a day off just for ME, and Dana is almost 9 months pregnant (rockstar status).  The surprise was a day at Gurney’s in Montauk—lunch overlooking the beach, a spa treatment, walking around the most magical place ever, and dinner at LUNCH (yes, the Affair restaurant).  With them, the conversations are endless, and of course we had to get matching necklaces for us and the girls (our daughters are all besties).  Ladies, I cannot thank you enough; you made me feel SO special and a beach is my happy place.
• Wednesday: Being home is so interesting and is taking some getting used to; as I mentioned earlier, I am a total workaholic. I love my kids, but I love what I do too and balance is something I strive for, but will never have.  It is nearly impossible.  Normally I would have to miss this, but I got to take Riley to a Lakeside Playdate at a local park.  I love seeing her interact with other children, and every time I see it, it just validates that moving to Merrick was the best decision.  She is so confident, so settled, and really owns who she is.  After the playdate, I took a nap (yes, I know I am still healing and sleep is critical), and got ready for a date night with my man piece.  Rare 650 in Syosset is AMAZING, and we had the best time/best meal; we spent a lot of it laughing, eating our faces off (not feeling guilty about it was quite liberating), and having a very serious conversation about what lies ahead the next 4 months.  Being with Marc is my mental medicine; I always said he is the ying to the my yang but there is something just so soothing about him.  He is so strong, supportive, and has my back.
• Thursday: Beach Day with my Beiner; boy oh boy, have we come a long way Elana. From finding the highest point at any bar or club to dance on a table to both becoming mamas of two nuggets.  We just sat (it is an activity), chatted, listened to positive vibe songs, and got bit my 1000 bugs.  Thank you for coming out during your maternity leave to see me and for spending the day; love you so much and so proud of us.
• Friday: Family day at my cousin Jill’s boat club; I am sure you are getting the theme but CANCER is a big part of all our lives given our history and that afternoon was a coming together of my aunt Eileen, kids, and cousins. It was so therapeutic (like writing is to me!); I have been talking about it so much but there is something about the conversation with my genetic support system that is different.  Friday night I had my last sushi dinner (going to miss you so much) with my girlfriend Stacey (Party at Palmers) and Mals.  Stac, I am officially covered in pink head to toe (sporting that tote tomorrow!).
• Saturday: My visitation rate (like that Placed?) to birthday parties will be exceptionally low in the coming months; kids = germs, and germs are no Bueno for this chick. I was so happy to take my kids dressed up to Riley’s friend Sloane’s superhero birthday (Marc even wore a superman shirt; how fitting considering he is “superdad” for quite some time).  After the birthday party, we ventured out for a family day (just the 4 of us!) to Fire Island; the kids were obsessed with the ferry ride, and we relaxed at the beach.  Watching them play on the beach with each other made my heart explode (they are seriously the cutest siblings ever, and actual BFF); so many tears behind my sunglasses (happy and sad).  All I wanted before chemo was to make sure we did something super fun with just us; a memory that we will all be able to talk about with a smile.  MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!  After the ferry home, my amazing parents took the kids for a sleepover and Marc and I had our ideal date night (bottle of red, La Piazza Whole Wheat Bar Pies, a Greek Cove Greek Salad, and our reality TV shows).  BEST DAY EVER.
• Sunday: Woke up our version of late (8am), went for foot massages at Orchid (holy sh*t), out for lunch at La Bottega with Rob/Hayley (best man!) and food shopping (got to prep for the week). Marc had his fantasy football draft with the guys, and I hosted Jen, Ali, Vanessa and their amazing kids.  I was so happy to host; I know it is going to be a bit before I can do it again and I am someone that LOVES to entertain.  It felt SO good, and I was SO happy to do it (thank you guys!!!!).  XO

Outside of all the above, I binge watched the entire Younger series; it is SO damn good.  22 minutes of pure bliss with each episode getting more and more awesome.  I was obsessed with it and HIGHLY recommend it. DO IT and let’s chat Charles vs Josh; BOTH SO HOT I can’t stand it (sorry Marc!).  Next on my own list is Friday Night Lights, and Marc/I plan on watching is Dexter; keep those suggestions coming!

Before I go to sleep (thank you Xanax), I want to thank everyone again for their support.  Tomorrow marks a new part of this journey, and while I know I will make it through it with my bald head held high, it is going to be a rollercoaster.  In advance, thank you for being there for me, my kids, my husband, and for being there during the highs and lows.  I know mental is a big part of this, and that is why I know I am going to kick this effin things a**.  Day by day, and more to come post week 1 of CT.  YOU GOT THIS GAB!!!

XO,

Gab (almost an A cup with freshly ironed hair!).

P.S.  DryBar I will be your #1 customer again once my hair is even slightly back and can be done; don’t think I forgot about you.  You have a piece of my heart!

Since my diagnosis I have been asked by SO many people, “HOW ARE YOU REALLY DOING GAB”. Trust me, I realize what I have, and while it may seem weird/unique/odd to have an outlook like mine, this is just ME.  I have and always will be a half glass full kind of gal; it is part of my DNA (just like this damn BRCA gene).  My perspective is beyond different because of how proactive and on top of it my family is; I have been prepared for the possibility of this since I was 20 years old, and feel fortunate enough to not live in denial and to have acceptance.  Do not get me wrong, I have had many moments over the last month where I cried (Sam, my mom/dad, Mals, and Marc experienced them recently), but I truly feel great mentally (and for the most part physically).  That is something to celebrate!  

This week in particular was a light one in terms of medical appointments; I used it as mental preparation (retail therapy always helps) for my upcoming chemo treatment.  I spent a lot of time speaking with others who went through a similar plan, and to my cousin Amanda who has experience as a nurse for chemo patients.  THANK YOU for all the details and for your guidance; knowledge is power, and I officially feel like I am prepared enough with the good, the bad, the ugly.  Bring it on 8/28!

In my head, I picture chemo being like the worst hangover you ever had.  Luckily, I have had experience nursing these before, and spent some time this week thinking about my top ones (it was SO hard!).  I would have to say my 21^stbirthday (that poor cloud bedspread), my 30^th birthday (day party at Hotel Yotel), any morning after Sammy’s Romanian (I mean seriously a frozen bottle of vodka is a recipe for disaster), after Paige Friedman’s wedding (a VERY rough Mother’s Day; sorry R&P), and after a Merrick girls night at Anchor Down (those gimlets are STRONG/DECEIVING).  I think my body is trained and hopefully this “defending tumor” really is that SPECIAL.

I made the executive decision to shave my head proactively (round of applause!); I already lost control of doing the DM on my timeline, and I refuse to let this effin cancer take my hair from me on their terms.  I emailed a local mom from Riley’s school who is a private hairdresser (and rocks the best hairstyles always), and she agreed to hold my hand throughout this entire process. I know I am in good hands, and just so happy to take the bull by the horns (that’s the expression, right?) and to do it in the comfort of my own home.  9/5 is the big day, and prior to that we will be explaining everything in more detail to the kids.  Thanks to my therapist and Sloan family specialists, I got the script ready.  4 sentences to a 6 year old (and 3 year old) should be plenty, and it will be enough information for them to be empowered.

Going through chemo is like half of pregnancy, and I know the following are what I am going to miss the most:

• SUSHI (insert, How Will I Live Without You by Leanne Rimes); had my last Tanoshi this week, and every bite was better than the next. SO FREAKIN GOOD!!!!
• Alcohol (wine & I are BFFAEAEAEAE)
• Work (I can’t help it; I am a seller by nature and love the hustle)
• My hair (DUH)
• Freedom
• My 35th Birthday Extravaganza- I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE house parties, and Marc/I were going to have the BEST ONE ever for my 35th (DJ, Sushi, Costumes, Decorations; you name it!).  Instead, I am hosting a birthday/breast cancer awareness ride in Merrick at iSpin.  I would rather give back and donate for a good cause, and save my party for 36 (double chai; thanks Nicole for the idea!).

Unfortunately, a little bit of a setback happened over the weekend, and I felt fluid on my left side (this non big C side is really starting to piss me off).  I was already scheduled Monday to head into the city for “GETTING WIGGY PARTAYYYY”, and popped by the doctor to make sure I was still on track/a-okay.  LUCKILY, it was totally normal and they removed the fluid, and they PUMPED ME UP!!!!!!!!!!!  I am no longer a triple A, and officially a double A (back to 8^th-10^thgrade Gab); really starting to look like a teenager and LOVE the progress.

I had the BEST experience at Bitz N Pieces.  If anyone is ever in the market (hope you never have to), I highly recommend this place. 6 of us squeezed into this tiny suite of a room where Fernando assisted in “finding my look”.  Thank god for my best friends/sister who acted as my hair consultants, made it a fun experience, and helped make firm decisions with me.   I swear it actually looks real, and some of the pieces even have scalps in them (WTF!!!! So cool!).  I opted for blonde and auburn (no more mail men jokes Markeeeee).  Riley & Pierce will get to help me choose which wig I wear when we go out together; I got a FUNNY feeling it will be the red Ariel the Mermaid one.  I officially can say I feel armed and ready for it, and look forward to showing them off.  

I have spent many hours researching safe beauty products, and just had the most incredible experience at Sephora on 60th and 3rd (by Bloomies).  If you ever need a consultation, please work with Julia there; she spent over an hour with me on safe skin care and beauty products for chemo patients.  I was so touched by her patience, eagerness to help, and how confident she made me when applying the natural look I am going for.

I basically live on Amazon, Etsy, and every site possible looking for cute/cool/trendy AF headscarves.  Thank G-D for my amazing Placed coworkers who surprised me with the Hermes one (seriously, I cried tears of happiness opening that box).  I am in the market for SKULL, CAMO, FUNKY ones; feel free to email me/send me any that you find.  Just because I will not 100% look myself does not mean I don’t care about fashion; if anything it is more important to me NOW.   Thanks in advance for your help!

Today was a BIG DAY. It is the 3 week mark since the DM surgery (creating some cool abbreviations here), and it was my first day back behind the wheel.  Watch out South Shore, you got Gabby Stoller (Wasserman) back on the streets; I swear I have gotten better at driving since high school (Maos, Heather, Jamie, Stacey, and Tara, please keep your thoughts to yourself).  Sorry Mom, I could not wait any longer; after all, the doctor did say it was OKAY (watching Dr. Phil does not make you licensed).

Spending the weekend as a family (Mals/Adam coming out) and soaking up EVERY MINUTE; we never move on Friday’s to begin with but cannot wait for this one.  Just the kids, my Marc Man, and our trashy reality TV (big decision of the night is Bachelor in Paradise, the Challenge, or Are You the One?).

Next week is my last week of freedom, and I just want to appreciate life and how lucky I am every single day before 8/28.  Nothing is making me happier than the plans I have with my family and friends (can’t thank you all enough for scheduling my days!).  I am SO grateful to have the best people in my life (and the best husband!) and it is because of all of you that I am ABLE to mentally be this strong!!

XOXO

Gab (the best smelling/driving version of herself!)

P.S.  BIG SHOUT OUT TO ALL FRIENDS/FAMILY who have already arranged helping with the kids; your offers for car pools, sleep unders, and days with my kids MEAN EVERYTHING.  Marc and I could not do this without you.  THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!!!!!

 

What a WILD week; many UPS, but also some DOWNS. I keep reminding myself that all the downs are outweighed with the fact that I AM GOING TO BEAT THIS THING and will 100% be A-OKAY (how fortunate am I!).

After many doctor appointments, it is official that I am Stage 1 (insert whatever version of a happy GIPHY you got) and that it is smaller than they thought (a size of a quarter basically!).   It is likely my cancer only started to develop in early 2018 which means that I took this bad girl on many adventures, and for quite the fun ride across the globe.

Who knew I needed to RSVP for a plus 1 in all my excursions; I am so grateful that I caught it early due to early detection/surveillance since I’m BRCA1 positive, but also blessed it did not stop me from living my life for the first half of 2018.  It was a busy beginning of the year personally and professionally, and I had a lot of things I wanted to accomplish (and I DID- go GAB!).  I know you can never plan properly for cancer, but I feel like the timing did work out.

2018 was AWESOME from January to early July.  A few key moments are outlined below:

• April 2018: My company, Placed, is based in Seattle; I got to travel there with my two bosses Jason and Chad (who I LOVE & ADORE). I so enjoyed seeing Seattle for the first time, meeting lots of smart/inspiring coworkers, and experiencing the city from an architecture and culinary perspective. Thanks cancer for allowing me to to see a new city, visit my corporate HQ, to tap it back at a Seattle Soul Cycle, and to spend time with JB & Chad.
• Late April 2018: Off to Nashville to celebrate the bachelorette ofmy BFF/Sister/Childhood friend/Aunt TaTa (sure you are understanding how important she is); being a co-MOH is a BIG deal, and I am just so happy that was able to be my main focus.  Tara is the MOST SELFLESS person I have ever met, and she deserves a weekend that is just about her; well girl, I would say mission accomplished.  It was a reunion of my VS girls, my bestie Jamie from midwestie flew in, and the amount of laughter was priceless. We ate and drank our way through that entire city and I will always associate “The Middle” with that trip (also on the Positive Vibes playlist).  It is actually hysterical that we decided to do a “getting wiggy with it” theme for the Drag Queen Brunch and bike tour (good practice!). Thanks cancer for allowing me to plan, travel, see that a purple/blue wig is not for me, and to party like I was 21 for a weekend with my best friends since birth.
• Memorial Day 2018: T-Rap and Jon’s MAGICAL wedding weekend. I got to see my best friend and kids walk down the aisle as a flower girl and ring bearer (of course cried) and slayed my MOH speech (edited by Markeeeeee).  Lots of shaking our butts, lots of shots, and nothing like seeing your main girl SO freakin happy and glowing.  Thanks cancer for not destroying that weekend, and for being exactly what she planned for and worked so hard on!
• June 2018: Since Pierce has hearing loss, it is absolutely critical that we stay on top of his services and ensure he is developmentally in line with his peers. Pierce has been in EI but by 3, he has to transfer to CPSE; this means LOTS of evaluations, lots of time with the district, and understanding all our options.  We had our eyes set on Mill Neck (my mentor and angel of a friend, Dana, raved about this special hearing-impaired school).  It was my MISSION to get him in, and it was a long month and lots of HOURS but P-man got accepted and will be going in September.  WOOOOOOHOOOOOO (victory).  Thanks cancer for allowing me to be a strong mama bear and be my sons advocate!!
• Montauk:A weekend getaway with my sister, Adam, and Markeeeee; what a way to kick off summer and to be KID FREE. To say we had a blast is an understatement; grateful for not getting bed bugs in our motel, for the lobster roll at Lunch (obsessed with the Affair; YOLO), for a SICK RIDE at MTK Soul Cycle, for shaking our asses at Memory Motel, and for pretending to be a hipster/cool mom at Surf Lodge.  Thanks cancer for allowing me to spend time with family/BFFs without the kids (thanks mom and dad); OBSESSED WITH MONTAUK and will be back there next summer cancer FREE!!
• Cannes: OMGGGGGGGGGGG is all I can say; this was BY FAR the best career experience I have ever had. Going to Cannes and representing a company in the media landscape has been on my vision board for over 10 years, and I am forever appreciative to Placed for selecting me.  It was the most gorgeous city, and the networking was PRICELESS; I got to see my clients, my agencies, socialize, meet new people in the industry, learn, and LIVED MY BEST LIFE professionally.  From drinking rose with every meal (it is water there), from flying in a private helicopter from Nice to Cannes (JB, YOLOOOOOOOOOO; on our own dime!), from yacht party hopping, to reconnecting with old colleagues, this work trip was a 10 out of 10.  Thanks cancer for allowing me to travel internationally, and you can thank me for your passport stamp and for teaching you the finer life of rose.
• Malibu Beach Club: Summers in Long Island are quite awesome, and mine in particular was off to the best start; Dana and Debbie, you and your families are LIKE FAMILY to the Wasses, and I am just so happy we got to spend our weekends together on the beach.  Love you both so much and thanks for being the best of friends to me; seriously don’t understand how I only met you a year ago.  Thanks cancer for allowing me to enjoy our cabana and to have the best memories of my kids soaking up the sun/waves/pool, and our walks on the beach collecting shells.

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This week was a BIG ONE; I had several appointments at Sloan and have all the knowledge I need for moving further along this journey.  I swear being at Sloan is like listening to the lineup of a Jewish baseball team; Feinberg, Bloomstein, Rosenberg, Rubin (you name it, every single Jewish last name is called from the waiting room).  It is like one big Ashkenazi party every time you are there.  Little do they know my married last name is Wasserman (not Stoller) and that I fit in with them in more ways than the BIG C.  Markeeeeee, I promise you at 10 years I will officially change my last name; it is time and I will Heather Debrow it and THROW A MAJOR FIESTA (you all know I love having an excuse for a party; after all who throws their kid a 5 ½ birthday party. But hey, it was Cinco de MAYO and we needed a piñata).

I know this sounds pretty crazy BUT I feel like I am flying first class with my cancer (lots of travel reference this week).  I see SO much in the waiting room at Sloan, and my attitude and smile are just so different than so many others.  On Tuesday, I met with my surgeon, who checked out the work (healing nicely; they cannot believe how good I look after less than 2 weeks).  She read my full pathology report and let me know that my nodes came back negative (YAY!), and this a-hole is STAGE 1.  I mean, the smile on Dr. Gemignani’s face, said it all; this was GOOD NEWS.  Chemo was still necessary to be 100% clean but these are all things to celebrate.  AND OH YEAH, MY DRAINS ARE OUT; I AM FREEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After the surgeon, I met with the breast cancer therapist who helped me prepare a script for my kids; after all, honestly is the best policy and they need to have a clear idea of what’s going on (using banana and removing the brown spots as the reference).  I would never want them to hear about it from friends at school/camp, and it should come from Marc and me.  I feel ready to deliver soon!  STAY STRONG NUGGETS; Mommy’s GOT THIS and can’t wait until you are old enough to read this blog and see how attitude conquers all (you will be proud of me, I promise!).

I mentioned earlier the downs, and yesterday was the HARDEST DAY I had had yet. It was D-DAY and the first meeting with my oncologist.  The fellow tells me that I am healing nicely (DUH, knew that) and that apparently my tumor is “special” and is surrounded by all these little cells that act as defenders. I’ve always considered myself special but now you are telling me that my globe-trotting tumor is special too; what the eff does this mean?  It means that I should respond nicely to the treatment, and that my body is ready to react.  Of course, this gives me a sense hope; WILL I KEEP MY HAIR?!??!?!? PLEASEEEEEE….

In walks my new oncologist, Dr. Robson, the kindest/most even keeled/calm doctor I ever met (reminds me of my dad a lot).  We discuss the treatment plan, and he outlines what my 8 chemos will look like. Every other week starting 8/28, I will be back there sitting in the waiting room surrounded by my Jewish baseball team.  Apparently, the chemo rooms are “suites” and have TV’s so I can have company; for all my girls and family that offered to sit with me, I am creating a G sheet (still got the anal retentive, organized, obsessive worker in me!).  Pick a slot, give me your shirt size, we are turning this into one big PARTAAAAY with matching T’s/socks/swag (of course).

Of course, I have a list of questions in my phone about the chemo and the side effects; most pressing is my hair.  You see, I remember when my mom had cancer and I was there when her first clump fell out; I was 15 and it is one of my most vivid memories.  I was 15 and terrified.  Dr. Robson reveals that mine is guaranteed hair loss and that the cooling caps (my glimmer of hope) have a very low success rate with it.  Bubble bursts (and so do I into tears).  I knew I was getting chemo and wrapped my head around it, but I had some form of hope that my hair would be preserved.  I already thank g-d daily for my amazing husband, but what he said to me in that moment, is what gave me the strength to say F*CK IT.  Marc turned to me and said “Gab, you are you; your personality is what makes you special. Look at your support system; not everyone has that.  You touch people in a certain way that is unexplainable. Your face is the most beautiful of anyone I know, and if anyone can rock chemo, it is you.  You bald will be more beautiful than any girl I know.” I mean, not Mila Kunis, but still, SWOON, right?  What a guy!!!!!

I digested the news, sat with it for a bit, cried my eyes out before getting back to my house/my kids, and passed out at 8:30 last night after putting Riley and Pierce to bed.  I woke up fresh and READY TO TAKE ON THE WORLD. I know it is okay to have those days, those moments, and to be not a superhero all day every day.  Being surrounded by kids, their big personalities, and having the overarching theme that I am going to be perfectly okay took me out of the fog.  After all it is temporary, and LONG TERM IS SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT.

Today, we MARCH ON (thanks Nancy for the reference); I am enjoying every moment with my kids, my family, my friends, and my support system.  Putting R&P on and off the camp bus is a big highlight of my day, and the fact that I am home for dinner every night and get to talk about their day with them is EVERYTHING.  I have never had this time; I am a complete workaholic and pour my heart and soul into my job (and home of course, but sometimes they fall second unfortunately.  Balance is always something I am working on).

I already started exploring my wig options and scarves; got my eyes on a Hermes head scarf, lots of fun earrings, and ordered a few fun ones from Dear Martha (fedora/baseball cap).  I was alone for the first time today after Marc left for work and kids were off to camp/beach, and tried on the two Dear Martha wigs.  I must say, I LOOK FABULOUS (got verification after texting Debbie/Dana) and they are so cute/cool/fun.  I felt the inner strength and courage to out loud in the mirror say I GOT THIS and WILL OWN IT (all with Biggie and 2Pac playing in the background).

On Monday, I am going to Bitz and Pieces in Columbus Circle to shop for 3-4 wigs; WHY NOT HAVE A LITTLE FUN WITH IT.  I have always been the Samantha (Sex and City) of the group and will channel her when shopping.  I got a whole crew coming with me and am turning it into quite the event.  Thinking an everyday, a fun Saturday night one (because I am still going to power through and give my man date nights/nights out with friends), and a WILD one that is so different than me (perhaps Red hair so Riley can say she got it from someone).

Other positive highlights from this week:

• I GOT THIS!I am more determined now than ever to keep a positive attitude and to have a smile on my face.  I will have moments (already have), but you have to appreciate life and take advantage of every day.
• Once I heal from surgery (2 more weeks), I can work out again; this has always been a passion of mine BUT I cannot wait to get back on that Soul bike, do all my classes, and dedicate my days of energy to exercising. There is research that working out during chemo helps a lot, and I plan on being part of that case study.
• My family/support system/friends are the BEST. One of my BFF’s from 7^thgrade came over this week; Heather, thank YOU for making me laugh all day since we are 12. I know you cried the whole way over before seeing me, but hope seeing me made you all that much better. Our bond is one that is unbreakable and we have been through EVEYRTHING together. You were there for me when my mom was sick, and now you are here for me; I do not know what I would do without you.  The evil eye bracelet is on my wrist forever during this process, and I was rubbing it the whole time during my appointment yesterday.
• Mallory, my sister, is my life line. You are above and beyond in all aspects, and I cannot thank you enough for every text, every phone call, for visiting all the time, for laughing with me, for crying with me, and for being such a big part of this.  I know it is not easy to see your big sister go through this, but I could not do it without you.  I am so happy that you have Adam and the best friends ever to be there for you.  I know this is hard and I LOVE YOU more than Motherkelly’s balsamic chicken, Marinara’s bar pie, and Mitchells “house dressing”.
• My Merrick squad; Jeff and Ali, thanks for hosting my family (and everyone else) Friday night.  It was so nice “to be normal” and to see my kids in that setting.  Thank you to all of you for the hugs, the laughs, distracting me, changing my kids into PJs, and for being the best.  Seriously, can’t imagine going through this in any other town or if I still lived in the city.
• My mom is my idol. Her strength and courage and ENERGY (seriously don’t get it) is everything, and I hope to be half the mom and woman that you are.  Thank you for not leaving my side and for being here for me/Marc/the kids.
• I found an organization that I am passionate about—Fighting Pretty. They put together beauty boxes for cancer patients during treatment.  Check them out:  https://www.fightingpretty.org/  They asked me be a brand ambassador when I am feeling up to it.  SO HAPPY TO DO GOOD WITH MY STORY and TO HELP OTHERS!!
• To those who have texted me or emailed about the appointments you made because of my story, THANK YOU. I can only encourage you to be on top of your body; go get checked, if you are at risk of having the BRCA gene, PLEASE GET TESTED.  It saved my life!!!
• Last but not least, I plan on having fun the last two weeks of my summer before chemo.I am ENJOYING each day (even if I am still sore/sensitive/healing) and doing something that makes me happy daily. After all, YOLO!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for being such an amazing support system and for sharing my story with your friends and other outlets.  Please continue doing so as my main goal is to be an inspirational voice and raise awareness of the BRCA mutation/early detection/surveillance.

XO

Gab (1 more day away from a FULL SHOWER!  It is the small things but happy to look like myself for a few more weeks!).

PS- keep sending songs and shows.  GOT LOTS OF TIME in THAT CHEMO SUITE!!

Well, it has been one week since the double M, I know everyone is surprised I am not constantly complaining about being in a lot of pain, but truthfully I am just so relieved that this 1.6cm toxic shiat is out of my body.  The relief is overtaking the actual physical pain, and has given me the strength to continue having the most positive and optimistic outlook about the diagnosis.  Truth be told, after having two kids, one C section (thanks Pierce), one umbilical hernia surgery (thanks Pierce), and my fallopian tubes out, this was much more of a breeze to recover from.  I guess all the other health situations prepared me for this type of surgery.  Don’t get me wrong, I have my moments but what is the good in focusing on the negative; the one thing I will share is that these effin drains hanging from my body SUCK.  I purposely got my tubes out to be proactive about ovarian cancer but also because I was done having children (love you R & P but we complete as a fam of 4).  Carrying these 4 drains around is like having all this excess body weight and being pregnant again, and they just need so much maintenance (emptying/milking 2x a day).

Over the last week, I have had a lot of time to recover, reflect, and look back on the fabulous life of Gabby Stoller (Wasserman).  After all, when you are back to living with your parents and staying in the room you grew up in, memories surround you 24/7.  It is kind of hysterical when your parents become your roommates again; we have come quite a long way in our relationship.  Nothing makes my mom happier than tucking me every night this week.  Living with anyone is a huge adjustment and thought it would be fun to highlight all my roommate experiences:

• Through high school:lived with typical overbearing Jewish parents (this mostly applies to my mom; my dad is pretty laid back).They wanted what was best for me and obsessed over me doing well in school. When I was in high school, my mom had ovarian cancer for the first time right while I was in my peak and in my “rebellious stage” (11^thgrade; you all get it).  I was not a pleasure to live with; I was your average hyper emotional kid (did well in school always) who was trying to figure out her life and keep up socially/academically/with boys.  They could NOT wait to ship me off to college and at least not be exposed to my behavior.
• Summers between College:I lived in NYC at NYU dorms while interning at NYT; my parents legit could not handle my lifestyle and turned a blind eye. While I interned 5 days a week and always showed up, they did not want to wait up and worry (I know payback with Riley will come my way; scared!).
• College: What can I say about my best friend/soul sister/friend who completes me, Sam Gimbel. This was the most fun living experience ever (sorry Markeeeee) and we had NO worries in the world; we lived it up and YOLO was our anthem (after all every night was a different special at Beckett’s).  ODE TO TRASH 4 LIFE!
• Post College: I lived home for 2 whole months and was broke. While I had an inside sales job and was making minimum salary, it was not enough to move out.  My parents did not care and offered to upfront pay 3 months of rent just to get me out of my house.  I am sure you are catching the theme, but I am quite a free spirit whose motto was work hard/play hard.  Luckily, Sam followed suit and we took our Boston ways straight to NYC at the Coop. NYC is the city that never sleeps and neither did we.  We experienced so much in that apartment- birthdays, engagements, co-living with Hunt & Marc, and of course eventually we had to move on (we are common law married after 7 years).  I truly am blessed and the luckiest girl to have you in my life, and the bond we share is beyond words.  Thanks for visiting me this week, for bringing your gorgeous newborn Alex, and for giving me the “STRONG” bracelet.  It is not LEAVING my body this entire experience and I will be staring at it during chemo.  You girl give me strength and always have.
• Markeeeeeee: Our UES life was just amazing! We got engaged in our apartment on 77^th, were always surrounded by our besties, lived a life full of zero worries besides work, and truly soaked up every moment possible pre-kids.  Date nights were a regular, and you really just always had me laughing until my stomach hurt.
• Markeeeeeee + Riley + Pierce: As the captain of the house, you guys keep me on my toes! There is nothing better than the sound of laughter, the connection we all share, the fun we have, the dance parties, and PJ fiestas (yes we have matching ones).  I am coming home roomies, and can’t wait to be reunited with my nuggets and you Marc. You are my life and I need to be surrounded by you all to continue giving me the courage and strength for the next few months.  Mama bear is BACK tomorrow!!!
• Now(past week): Mom & Dad, what would I do without you.  It is so remarkable the shape and condition you are in, and how you took me back into your cocoon this week.  Thank YOU! I would never have recovered this way mentally and physically without your unlimited love and support.  I know you are sad to see me leave (such a change from many years ago where you couldn’t wait for me to go) but I promise you are with me on this entire journey.  I NEED YOU!

This week has been a good one (yay!!!), and I am getting stronger every day.  I am healing nicely, and not going to lie, I am excited for what the end result will be.  They LOOK fab and I am pretty sure the bod will be rocking before I know it.  Get ready Wass; I may even start whipping out low cut shirts again!

Today, I saw my plastic surgeon at Sloan, Dr. McCarthy (an artist!).  Two of the four drains were removed (aka 50% of these damn grenades) and it was the best feeling (well second to some others!).  For those of you who don’t know what drains are—they legit hang out of your body, are sewn in, and capture all excess blood/fluid after a massive surgery.  Having two removed is a MAJOR VICTORY; I feel lighter, and like I am pregnant 3 months vs 6 months.  On Tuesday my others come out, and I swear I will be listening to “Freedom” by George Michael and “Break Free” by Ariana Grande that entire day.  It is already saved on my Positive Vibes Spotify playlist.

Each week I am learning more and more about myself, and thought I would share:

• Men need educating: Marc has been my absolute rock, support system, and best friend, but doubt he or any other dude will ever ask “If I feel better” again. To be clear, no dude, I just had major surgery, lost my boobs, was diagnosed with cancer, have to go through chemo, can’t hold my kids, can’t shower, can’t shave my armpits, wash my hair, and I have a pimple that makes me feel 13 all over again.  Questions should be as follows:  how did you sleep last night, is today better than yesterday, etc.  Love you baby and happy we can now laugh that one off! J
• Kids are going to be my medicine:I visited home every night this week and I swear my kids grew up overnight. Riley is officially swimming (you go girl; that red bracelet will be yours soon!) and Pierce is speaking in full sentences/asking proper questions/and trying the potty more and more.  They were delicate with me and beyond kind; Riley would not let go of my hand, kept kissing it, and kept telling Pierce to be careful.  They asked how my “booboo” was healing and when I will be home (soon babies, soon!), and Pierce asked multiple times “where you get it”.  I am working on answers with therapists and while I may not handle it perfect, Marc and my goal is to make sure they know I am going to be okay (because I GOT THIS!) and they will have their mom back soon.  It breaks my heart but they are simply the two best kids and I am so proud of how we are raising them.
• Over 10 women made appointments because of me:I have met so many people in the one week since I started writing who are touched by my story and inspired to go see their doctors. This shiat is real, and the age at which we are getting affected is younger and younger.  PLEASE DO EXAMS, PLEASE SEE YOUR DOCTOR, PLEASE GET TESTED FOR THE GENE, AND PLEASE BE PROACTIVE.  If you have a possibility of having the gene, GO GET TESTED.  It is everything and you are in control!
• You may have a plan, but there may be another agenda: I was on top of this; this was not supposed to happen to me. My whole plan prior to being diagnosed was to get these bad boys out preventatively and to never hear the words “you have cancer”; we were discussing the age of 40 at Sloan.  I am hopeful that Sloan and others in the cancer space will start pushing their BRCA positive patients to do more proactive surgeries right after having kids.  I can’t help but think what if I did the reverse and instead of doing my tubes in December, what if I did my breasts.  What I do know is that I have no regrets, and I swear this diagnosis had a purpose.  That is WHY I GOT THIS; I am meant to spread the love, educate females about the BRCA gene, spread the goodness of my soul, and be that support system for others.
• A good blow out can change your whole vibe/persona: Thanks De La Mar for an amazing job yesterday and for washing my disgusting hair and making me feel GORG.  You will forever be my salon—after all, we went through cutting 11 inches together and donating to Locks of Love, to now you knowing my full story.  Thanks for being a part of my journey!
• Friendships and a support system are priceless: Boy oh boy, do I have the best friends and family in the whole world. My heart has never felt so full, and I am SO FREAKIN LUCKY.  Special shout out to Jamie Bowman—thank you for every day sending me pics as a piece of our childhood; you are my bestie from the midwestie and it makes me feel like you are here and not so far away (so thank you).  Nancy and Arlene, thanks for being my nurses; I cannot thank you enough for the sponge baths, the therapy, and the drains (these annoying AF grenades). Last but not least, thanks everyone for sharing my story, for holding my hand through this journey, for being there for my entire family, for all the food/gifts/flowers/cookies/massages/blow outs/robes/pjs/comfy clothes/care packages, but most importantly for still treating me like ME and for making me laugh (my favorite thing to do).  You sure know how to make a girl feel special!!

I will be back next week after all my doctor appointments and updates to my treatment plan (full pathology back).  In the meantime, ENJOY YOUR WEEKEND and EVERY MOMENT!  YOLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

XO

Hakuna MaTATAs

Gab (now able to wear T shirts that aren’t button up—wooohoooo!!!!!)

BACK TO BEING THE QUEEN BEE OF THE ITTY BITTY TITTY COMMITTEE

It is funny to look back on the history and timeline of my breasts (boobs, tits, whichever word you prefer).  You see I was LITERALLY the last person to develop amongst all my friends/peers and all I ever wanted was to have boobs. I remember praying to god from the time I was 12 to about 16 to start blossoming; all my friends from school and camp started getting their period, underarm/leg hair, and had to wear bras to contain their tata’s.  I’ll never forget going to a doctor appointment and asking when it would be my time; my doctor said it would be awhile and that I was not even close to entering puberty (WTF; can’t I just fit in with everyone else?).  I was SO skinny, emaciated, a total late bloomer, and had to drink Ensure to remotely catch up to my friends.  I fake shaved my armpits to just fit in with the girls on my kickline team (praying that if I fake shaved it, it would just grow in.  Side note, THAT DOES NOT WORK). 

I never had to wear a bra until I was 16.  You could put a piece of ice down my chest, and it would fall immediately down.  I was part of the “itty bitty titty committee” and hated every second of it.  I waited SO long for them to come in and was so excited when they arrived.  As my dad always said, Patience is a Virtue.  Well I was fuckin patient, and Freshmen year at Boston University (go Terriers!) is really when I grew into myself.  I remember returning home to Valley Stream after December break and I was like a science experiment.  I finally had a small B, was taller, and my body was an A+.  A few people asked if I got implants at college- HA!  I guess the unlimited meal card & binge drinking really set my body into go mode. 

I have been cracking up over the last few days with my best college girlfriends, Elana and Sam; we have a long standing joke that my nipples always made an appearance during our nights out (in school and post school). I always thought it was my righty, but they both confirmed it was lefty that made a show.  Sam joked that it was our third roommate and the night wasn’t complete unless it popped out of my halter or tube top.  Righty was a jealous biatch and I guess needed attention finally; well righty you got all the attention now and it is your time for the red carpet, let’s get this CANCER SHIAT OUT of there. 

On 7/27 (day of the surgery), my rockstar of a husband drove me into NYC at 4am for a 5:15 check in. We listened to my positive vibes playlist and sang the whole ride in (a little Kanye West, Natasha Bedingfield, Coldplay, Hootie, Rolling Stones, Britney Spears).  I was READY GO TO and was excited to get this surgery done.  My parents came into the city and sat with Marc and I during the prep process.  I had the same nurse who did my fallopian tube prep; what are the ODDS. She remembered me, my voice (so distinct it kills me), and my positive attitude which felt so nice to hear.

After 4 hours in surgery, I arrive to the recovery room and am SO out of it.  You feel like you have been roofied after a college party (thanks frat houses for all those memories or lack of memories).  I remember asking immediately if my sensonal nodes came back positive or negative, and they said they were PERFECT and no need for additional biopsy (WIN WIN WIN WIN WIN- insert victory dance; I picture the Steve Urkel one). After being in and out of sleep, I finally wake up out of the fog.  I am so happy to see Markeeeeee, my parents, Mals, and my dear friend TATA (ironic!).  We laughed, caught up, and I could burst from how much love, how many texts (111 alone out of surgery),  the comments I had on my blog, the outreach from people I have not spoken to in years, and the support of others who went through a similar situation and stepped forward.  I AM TRULY SO LUCKY!!!!!

The team at MSKCC is by far the BEST; to my nurses Colleen and Will, THANK YOU.  You so got me, my attitude and positivity towards this, and were able to manage my full suite of visitors.  Sorry Will for being skeptical, but a male nurse who would be staring at my breasts and changing my bed pan (yes, I had to pee in a bed pan like a 90 year old), just seemed odd.  BUT YOU FAR SURPASSED my expectations and had the exact vibe I needed at that moment.

It was all too good to be true, and I guess I needed some sort of drama to add to my story (they must know I’m writing a blog). Around 8pm, I start noticing that my left breast (non Cancer boob) looks like a giant balloon; I thought well that was quick (and kind of a Kim Kardashian moment) but something is off.  Sure enough, I get the whole MSKCC squad into my room to examine, and after a lot of monitoring, draining my tubes, it was decided I had a hematoma.  Hematomas have a 1 in 100 chance; COME ON!!!!!!!!!!  Life only hands you what you can handle (my motto). That damn non cancer boob was a jealous a**hole and needed some attention; seriously WTF.  I was transferred from one Sloan hospital to another in a stretcher and an AMBULANCE (beyond comical; pics below); the sirens on the ambulance went for the full 4 blocks to just make it more ridiculous and I immediately underwent my second surgery of the day (as my dad says 1.25 total).

My whole childhood my sister and I had sleepovers like every night; we would rotate rooms and sleep on each others floors.  We did this from as young as I can remember until I went to college; what we share is unique and it is a sense of dependence, comfort, and true sisterhood.  That night when I transferred hospitals, all I wanted was my sister.  I kept asking for her after the second operation, and needed her to fall asleep in my now second room/suite at Sloan.  That was the last thing I remember before passing out for the night! I can only hope that P& R share this type of bond!

7/28:  Ativan is my BFFAE; this muscle relaxer is equivalent to my favorite glass of rose/red wine and is making the pain somewhat manageable.  I am released from Sloan after learning my PT exercises and go home with my mom and dad who are officially my caretakers/bosses for the next week.  It was nice to be released and feels strange and cool to be back at my childhood house and bedroom to recover.  Marc , Riley, and Pierce came over at night, and while I was so nervous to see them, they are like animals and truly sensed that I was not myself.  Riley asked a lot of questions and you can tell was scared to give me a hug/kiss which broke my heart.  I know that she gets it and understands it is different for a little, but she truly was nervous to hurt me and as a mama bear, there is nothing worse.  I pass out for the night, tossed and turned, watched Gossip Girl, popped some more pills, tossed/turned, and finally got a few hours of sleep.

7/29: I woke up feeling confident, optimistic, and ready to take on the day.  I felt inspired to start writing again and to spend time with Marc, the kids, Adam, and Mals.  The kids this time were so excited to see me and gave me a big hug (as big as they could) and made me laugh (I needed it).  Riley did her 1000th dance to Party in the USA, and I was able to shake my hips and sing along with her.  Everyone left but my Mallory, and we decided to go for a LONG walk around our childhood neighborhood.  It felt nice to be NORMAL (despite these drains hanging from me like an orangutan) and to just walk and walk and walk and celebrate that I can walk this early on (not bad after a day of surgery).  Thank you Mals for being attached to my side; you just know what to say, what not to say, and are the human medicine I need.

This week will be a good one; each day I am feeling stronger, seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, making plans to see friends (Sam, can’t wait to meet Alex!!!), to get my hair washed (girl can use it REAL BAD), get my first mani (don’t worry no cuticles being cut), going to see the kids each day after camp, getting one set of drains removed Thursday (big victory), and trying to maintain a normal balanced life while recovering from this massive 2 part surgery.

The road is not easy BUT I GOT THIS!!  Love to all my friends who keep sending me the sweetest messages, flowers, and gifts. Keep sending me the positive vibes songs and your favorite movies/TV shows.  Can’t thank you all for the insane amount of outreach and for the offers on how to help—I promise I will take each and every one of you up on it.

I’ll be back at the end of the week writing up my small victories and moments that make me smile (and cry!).  I know it is okay to feel all moments and that I don’t have to be super woman all day (thanks Elana for that reminder, I needed it! Love you Beiner).

XOXO

Hakuna MaTATAs

G (with her sexy button-down PJ style)